


Memories Unlocked

by deletingpoint



Category: Dracula (TV 2013), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Kara Danvers, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Healthy(ish) Communication, Magic, Memories, Minor panic attacks, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Past Lives, Reincarnation, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-10-11 15:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 32,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10468212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deletingpoint/pseuds/deletingpoint
Summary: Lena is still thinking about Helena Bertinelli, the girl she fell for back in Metropolis. But not as often as she used to, not after meeting Kara Danvers.She has a new chance at her life now, in a different city, with different people. That is until a name makes her remember something she shouldn't be able to remember. Lucy Westenra. And why is Helena in her memories?Kara/Lena is endgame.Based on this absolutely wonderful idea http://lexa-kom-skaikru.tumblr.com/post/158828214383/i-know-that-the-supercorp-fandom-has-a-thing-for





	1. Lucy

 

Helena. Her thoughts are constantly returning to her best friend. Ex best friend, Lena fixes her thoughts bitterly. Not that it matters anymore, Helena doesn’t belong in her new life. It doesn’t matter who she used to be, what she used to mean to Lena. “Everything,” a quiet whisper escapes her lips. She absent-mindedly plays with the locket.

 

Helena’s cold fingers caressing her nape, the necklace snapping into place, her fingers still sliding on Lena’s skin, towards the shoulders, until Helena draped herself over her, their eyes meeting in the mirror. Back in Metropolis, back in the place they used to live together after Helena escaped from Star City for good.

“It looks perfect on you,” her voice still rings in Lena’s ears. Lena turned to look at her friend. Always so beautiful, almost fragile. And yet rebelling against everything and anything, so strong minded, fire burning in her eyes. Lena captured Helena’s hands with her own: “You look perfect on me,” she tried to say it in a playful manner, but there had never been words more true. Helena laughed against her cheeks, the vibrations from her laughter warming Lena’s back.

“Lena, you’re the most dramatic person I know. And I know actual gangsters, they had their dramatic flare as well, you know. But you’re something else. No one else would’ve taken in a girl who tried to steal from them.”

“Stealing my heart,” it slipped out before she could’ve stopped herself.

“Lena?” Helena stepped back and sat next to Lena. “That’s…slightly too much even for you. You mean it as a joke, right?” she searched Lena’s face and she found herself not able to meet her eyes. “Joke, yes, I should check if they’ve sent in the verdict on Lex,” she tried to stand up, but Helena gripped her arm. “Lena?” she whispered, “it’s not a joke, is it?” Lena finally met her eyes and shook her head. Watery, her eyes were just watery, not crying. “Oh,” Helena wrapped her arms around her “I’m, I’m so sorry, you know I don’t...” she didn’t finish her sentence.

“I know,” Lena managed to get out, “you don’t see me like that, I know.”

“Lena,” Helena hugged her even tighter, “I can’t, I can’t even…I’ve forgotten how to love, I don’t even know if I could with a girl, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Lena freed herself from the embrace and dried her damp eyes, “it’s alright,” she rose and straightened her clothes with shaky hands. She managed a forced smile: “I should really check about Lex,” she pressed out and almost ran from the room. It had felt so real, so meant to be, but of course it wasn’t. It hurt so much she couldn’t breathe. Sitting on the floor she only managed to get her breathing under control once she felt the locket under her fingers. She’d have to return it in the evening.

Helena wasn’t there in the evening any more. Her things were gone, just one note left of her: _Keep it. Helena._ No other words. Lena felt emptier than ever before in her life. She had nothing left. She almost had something for one moment and even that disappeared.

 

She hasn’t worn the locket since, but sometimes she still likes to hold it, as if Helena is still here, making it possible to breathe.

“Lena!” she hears a familiar warm voice and drops the necklace in her handbag. She waves at Kara and smiles as Kara fixes her glasses and sits across the table: “I’m so sorry I was late. You know the reporter life, always dashing from one place to another.”

 She’s clearly been running, if the little flush on her cheeks is something to go by. “Kara, I know how much your work means to you, there’s no need to apologize.”

“No, but we had an appointment. I should’ve called you the moment I knew I was gonna be late. It’s only the polite thing to do.”

“Thank you,” Lena finds herself saying. She often finds it’s easy to talk to Kara, it’s like there is no judgement in her eyes.

“Hey, you ordered yet, I haven’t eaten anything today,” she laughs at herself.

“Really? Kara, that’s the one thing you shouldn’t miss. Good thing I ordered,” she winks and hides her smile. She really should stop with the flirting, but she’s tried. She tried not to let Kara close to her, to distance herself, have only a working relationship, but they just happened to meet again and again.

“Thanks,” there are crinkles in the corners of Kara’s eyes when she smiles. Too bad the glasses are hiding them. “And I know, sometimes I just forget to eat,” her fingers are back at the frames of her glasses.

“Maybe I should program you a reminder then?”

“Oh, Winn has tried that. One time I was getting a coffee for miss Grant and my phone’s sound just went crazy, I spilled the coffee all over my clothes, had to get a new one and, umm, dry my clothes in record time. I was still late,” she finishes with a wistful smile.

“You miss her?”

“Huh? Who?” Kara plays with a napkin.

“Miss Grant I mean.”

“Oh. Yes, I do. But it’s not like I’ll never see her again, right?” she asks, waiting for a confirmation.

“Of course you’ll see her again, I promise. Even if I have to drag her back myself.”

“Pfft,” Kara supresses her laughter, “I would love to see anyone try to drag miss Grant to anywhere she doesn’t want to go.”

“I’m sure she would want to go to you.”

“You think so? Thanks, Lena. She, she pushed me further than anyone else in my life.”

“She meant a lot to you,” Lena feels a jab of jealousy. There’s no need for that, she’s not even interested in Kara that way. And Cat Grant was more like a mother to Kara, right?

“Yeah, she was this role model. Still is. I really wanted to make her proud of me.”

Lena is grateful, when the waitress interrupts them, creating a perfect opportunity to change the subject.

“Ooh, I love shrimps,” Kara’s attention is suddenly on food.

“Good, I didn’t know what to get you, so I thought we could just share the appetizer.

“Mmm, so good,” she’s dips a fried in the sauce between their plates and Lena joins her. They eat in silence for a while.

Finally, Lena leans back on her chair: “So, are you in a hurry?”

“I should ask the same from you, miss CEO.”

“You see, there’s a difference, I can choose when to work, you can’t.”

“You’re just rubbing it in. Plus, I know you’re a workaholic. You’re like Lucy. I would say miss Grant, but she’s not working anymore…” Kara’s voice is fading, Lena can’t register what she’s talking about. Lucy. Her fingers are reaching for the locket in her bag, she needs to feel its coolness. Everything fades. Kara’s eyes are suddenly on her.

“Lena!” there’s panic in her voice. Saying something, only lips are moving. Lena can’t hear her, there are ghosts whispering in her ears, there’s no air, no way to breathe. Kara’s face disappears, there’s nothing left, her fingers feel the locket. There’s calm, but she’s still falling. Lucy. Suddenly she sees again, but it’s not Kara. It’s Helena.

“Helena?” she wants to ask, but that’s not what her voice says. It says: “Mina?”

Helena, no, Mina turns and smiles at her. “Lucy, I thought you had left already,” she kisses Lucy’s cheek before the world twists again and she’s back with Kara.

“Lena!” her voice is hoarse, panicking. “Kara,” she answers to calm her down. Kara slumps on her knees and holds Lena’s hands. “You scared me. I couldn’t… I didn’t understand what’s wrong. Are you alright?”

“Yes, yes, I think so, don’t worry,” she grips the locket tighter and now Kara notices it.

“Ok, but Lena, you need to take care of yourself. You always worry about everyone else, but,” her hands are stroking Lena’s face now, “you’re important too.”

“I just, just a fit of migraine, I think. I’m sorry, Kara, I think I should go home.”

“Okay, you want me to go with? You sure you don’t want to go to a doctor?” If Lena had any energy left, she would smile at that. As it is she doesn’t even know who she is anymore.

“No, I, I’ll see you. Don’t worry, Kara,” she rushes out of the café, forgetting to pay the bill, not looking back. Lucy. Was that a memory? Lucy Westenra, was that her name? And Helena was there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it! :)


	2. Mina

 

It’s only a five-minute walk from here to L-Corp, but Lena takes a taxi and gives directions to her home. She doesn’t even remember when was the last time she spent a night there, maybe that’s the problem, she’s just a little sleep deprived. She pinches the bridge of her nose and squeezes her eyes shut. Just one minute, just one second, she just need to find her calm. Her phone buzzes. For a brief moment she considers throwing it out or smashing it to pieces, but she bites her lip and drags it out. Jess. Of course it’s Jess. At least it’s Jess not anyone else.

“Yes?” she answers coldly, fingers still twisting the chain of the locket over her wrist.

 _“Miss Luthor? I’m sorry to interrupt your lunch, but…”_ she fumbles.

“Yes, Jess, what is it?” the pain is starting again, little flashes of light making her eyes throb.

_“Your appointment with the mayor has been postponed to tomorrow, I’m afraid.”_

“All right, am I available?”

_“Yes, but it’s gonna be very packed, there’s…”_

“Yes, all right. Clear my schedule for today. There’s nothing too important I hope?”

_“Not too, no, the engineering wanted to go by something with you, but it wasn’t urgent.”_

At least there are some good news.

“Thank you, I won’t be coming back today,” she disconnects before Jess could answer.

The car stops. Here already? She fumbles with her purse and money and remembers she forgot to pay. Damn it. She almost sends a message to Kara, but decides not to.

She crashes on the couch as soon as she gets in, throws off her shoes and unclips the bra. It didn’t seem like a dream, more like a memory. Lucy Westenra. She still has the note, that goes with the locket…maybe..?

Lena sighs and gets up again, like all the problems with her mother weren’t enough. She finds the piece of paper from the bottom drawer of her nightstand, under a box of photos and birthday and Christmas cards. Most of them gotten as a blind gift at school. There’s been so many times she almost threw it away, but Helena’s handwriting made her stop every time.

She sits on the floor and follows the letters with her nails. The soft curls of the H, the empty space inside the period mark, the connection line between N and E. She wants to laugh at herself for being as hopeless as this, but Helena still draws her in. And then it happens, the world starts to swim again, the bright light forcing her to close her eyes. All right, all right, she can do this. She can see and come. She just needs to know that she will come back. She will come back..

 

“Lucy, dear, you should say something,” there were hands covering her shoulders, a lady bended herself down. She had kind eyes and fair hair, she stroked Lena’s, Lucy’s, head. Mother. She couldn’t stop looking at her. “Your new friend is waiting,” she said and then whispered in her ear, “Mina really needs someone right now.” She smiled and stepped away.

She saw Mina again, she was about Lucy’s age, eight or nine, a little shorter than Lucy. Her eyes were so big. Maybe she was scared or maybe she was the wolf that ate grandma. She had a plain grey dress and her black hair was loose.

Lucy reached out her hand to touch them: “Don’t they get tangled like this?”

“Uh, umm, I usually have them in a braid, but father wanted them up here,” Mina gestured with her hands above her hair.

“Updo, you mean?” Lucy asked.

“I guess. So, they were heavy and my head started to hurt and there were so many pins and then I let it all lose,” she finished her explanation, hand falling back on her sides.

“You’re funny,” Lucy remarked and saw a little smile on other girl’s lips, “you want me to braid them?” she heard herself say.

Mina nodded.

“There’s a bench there,” Lucy took her hand and dragged her to the nearby bench beside the gates of the graveyard, “you sit and I’ll be the hairdresser,” she cracked the sockets of her fingers before starting and Mina laughed a little. Her eyes were not that big anymore. The hair felt rough under her palms, not silky at all, but after she had combed out the worst knots they felt almost soft. “Mama taught me how to do braids,” Lucy talked while moving her hands, “it won’t be as perfect as hers, but you’ll like it. Hey, what’s the matter? Mina?” she asked as she felt Mina’s shoulders tensing. “Nothing, just my mother never taught me that.”

“Oh. That’s okay, I’ll do it for you,” she finished. It was a little crooked, but at least it was quite even. “There. Do you have...?” Mina took a clipper from her dress pocket and handed it to Lucy.

“Lucy, right?” the girl turned herself, “I’m Mina. It’s nice to meet you,” she offered her right hand.

Lucy smiled and shook it. “It’s nice to meet you too, Mina. I’m Lucy.”

Then Mina hugged her. Lucy didn’t remember anyone hugging her before, except for her mother. “We’ll always be friends, Lucy, thank you.” What a funny girl.

The world started to shake. The graveyard disappeared, Mina didn’t. She just melted into the grey of her eyes and her dress. Her voice was still there, but Lucy couldn’t see her properly. Just words, piercing through the fog: “…I love you too…it wasn’t for me…so every time we slept together…you should leave…” and then even the voice was gone.

 

Lena feels tears in her eyes. It’s the first thing she notices after the numbness, the last memory was too painful to bear. The note she’d been holding slips on the floor, she doesn’t bother to pick it up again. The cool jewellery is still calming. Mina. Her name had been Mina. Helena really was there. Lucy and Mina, they’d been friends, right? Apparently still not meant to be together. She can still feel Lucy’s pain, her pain, and fury. There was fury there. And mother, she was so pretty, so warm. Lena shivers, suddenly it feels as if she’s freezing. Rubbing her hands, she stands up. It’s dark already, was it dark before? No, she must’ve been out of it for a long time. Too long, she was supposed to come back. If this is a past life, she can’t get lost in it. No matter how nice the memories seem to be. No, not all of them were nice.

“You are Lena Luthor and you can do absolutely anything. No one can stop you,” she says to herself, not truly believing her words. Locket still pressed in her fist she steps out on the balcony. Even more freezing, but at least it’s fresh air. There are no stars, sometimes she wishes she could see them. Not in this kind of a big city though. Once, she’s seen the starry sky only once. There is a faint glow of the moon and no wind. Where is Helena?

There’s a little change in the air, like an electricity, for only a second, before the air settles back to chilly night. Lena smiles despite not wanting to. “Come to check on me?” she asks and turns to look at Supergirl.

She frowns, hands crossed on her chest: “You didn’t answer your phone.”

“Oh. Was there something you wished to discuss with me? My mother planning to murder me, Lex escaping from the prison or was it a social call?” she raises her brow, acting more confident than she felt.

“Well, no. No death threats at the moment. But you should always be careful,” her eyes moving over Lena’s body.

“Supergirl, are you scanning me?” it is amusing.

“What? No! I was just checking if you’re alright, nothing else. Kara mentioned you weren’t feeling well.”

Kara. Of course.

“Fine, I’m always fine,” she nods and tries to catch Supergirl’s eyes, but it’s too dark to see her properly, “you should probably be somewhere else right now. Banks being robbed, cars crashing, they need one star in their sky.”

Supergirl draws in a breath, trying to argue perhaps, but gives up soon enough. “Only if you’re truly feeling better,” she settles finally.

That draws up a genuine smile from Lena. “Yes, go!”

Supergirl nods and the same electricity marks her leaving. Was Kara so worried? She leans on the railing and puts the locket beside her on the metal.

She should call Kara. She doesn’t.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't remember ever knowing how Mina and Lucy met, so i made it up
> 
> the next chapter will prob be from Kara's point of view, with Helena possibly making an appearance


	3. Vanishing Cats and Other News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, Kara's working at CatCo again. Mon-El does exist, but they are not together and Kara still has a little crush on James, just fyi. (cause you can't just get over a crush like that overnight)

 

“Kara! You listening to a concert in the other side of the city or what?” Kara jolts up from her thoughts at James’s question. He’s smiling, that’s so cute. She likes smiles, it’s like faces are meant to be smiling all the time. Why don’t they?

“You really need to pay attention or Snapper’s gonna fire you again. What’s the matter, you seemed off at the DEO too?” his eyebrows rise with his tone of voice.

“I’m okay,” Kara yawns, “just worried about a friend I guess.”

“Hope it’s not me? Someone I know?”

Yes, like Kara has any friends that James doesn’t know about. “No, I mean yes, but, it’s, you know what, I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Okay, don’t fall asleep at work,” he slaps folders on her table and moves on.

Kara slouches back on the chair. She plays with a Supergirl bobble head that Alex got her. Maybe she should go and save someone? Maybe she should call Lena?

“Stop wasting everyone’s time and go do some field-work,” a file is thrown in her lap, Snapper already moving on to his next victim. She takes a peak at the file, maybe it’s interesting, maybe it’s gonna lead to a capture of a murderer or bank-robbers or Cadmus operating centre or a cat that vanished? “Come on, since when do we even write about missing cats? It’s not we’d be able to find them!” she regrets her outburst the moment Snappers eyes land on her. “Danvers, if you don’t want it you can do the paperwork ‘til the end of your life and then I’ll make you do it afterlife, we clear?”

“Yes-yes, I’m sorry, just, what do you even write about cats?”

“Well, go and find out. And make sure to have at least two sources. Want it for tomorrow’s paper.”

Tomorrow’s? Paper? Not just the web release? “I’m flying!” she grabs her bag and checks the address of the cat owner. She’d much rather go and interview Lena again and without a thought she fishes out her phone to send Lena a message: _Lunch today?_   

It takes a few minutes before the answer comes: _Sorry, Kara, I have too much in my schedule today._

Huh, Kara furrows her brows. _Remember to take care, ok?_

 _You too. I’ll see you._ Is Lena’s answer.

Maybe she really is fine. But the way she collapsed yesterday…Kara almost blew her cover and flew Lena to a hospital. It’s like she didn’t even see Kara for a moment. She had to go and check on her in the evening, but there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with her physically. Of course, Kara’s not a doctor, she wouldn’t recognize a tiny tumour during her scan. A tumour, what if she’s actually sick and doesn’t want people to know!? That would be so Lena thing to do... Kara shakes her head to get rid of those scary thoughts.

 

She rings a bell, it’s a nice neighbourhood, apartment buildings, almost as nice as Lena’s…Kara, would you stop already? She smiles broadly as the door opens. It’s an old man with glasses and a hat.

“Oh, hi, I’m Kara Danvers from CatCo, I came to talk to you about your cat…” she finishes with her gaze landing on the black feline circling man’s legs.

“Yes, Miss Dagon disappeared right in front of my eyes.”

“But, she’s right here or is this a different cat..?”

“That’s her alright. Little mischievous creature. That’s the peculiar thing you see, miss Danvers, she appeared right after.”

Ookay, that sounds a bit uninteresting. “So, she came back right away?” Kara asks while the cat is now bumping her head against Kara’s leg.

“No-no, she disappeared into thin air and then whoosh! She’s back! Like she’d been invisible for a moment.”

Kara shrugs, it’s not that unbelievable, and inquires more information.

“And is there anyone else who saw it happen?” she remembers the need to have a second witness.

“My neighbor. Let’s see if she’s home.”

The lady with bright orange hair confirms his story. They both wear glasses though.

“And were you both wearing glasses?” Another confirmation. “Was there anyone else around?”

“No, I don’t think so … wait, there was a man walking by, but I’ve never seen him before. Can’t really tell you where to find him.”

“Okay, thank you so much,” it’s more than Kara had hoped for. She squats down and strokes Miss Dragon. She slides her glasses sneakily and gives the cat a once over. Nothing wrong here, just an ordinary cat. Still, she has at least something for a little news button.

Invisible cat. Well, there were crazier things possible.

With a sigh she thanks them again and goes back to work, she still needs to write the thing. Why is she doing this anyway? She could just fly around and save the city and be the … be what, Supergirl? Supergirl doesn’t have anyone or anything, only co-workers and a dead planet. Kara has a family and a job to love. That’s not true, Supergirl has those things too, just … no moment to smile or laugh.

 _The Vanishing Cat_ That’s a nice enough headline. Like miss Grant, just vanishing. Everyone just vanishes… Kara shakes herself off from the grim black hole of her thoughts. She still has everything, people she loves. She sends the article in and calls Alex.

 

 _“Kara, hi,”_ there’s sniggering on the other end of the line, muffled voices. She could hear them if she’d paid attention. She doesn’t.

“You’re not in trouble, are you?” she asks just in case.

_“No-no, Maggie’s just trying to get me to show her the new prototype-gun, you know which one. Sorry. Okay, I’m all yours, one big ear. You alright, little sis?”_

“Naah, I’m totally fine, no worries here, absolutely no worries at all.”

 _“Kara,”_ there’s that tone.

“Really, just some stupid thoughts haunting today. Hey, you need me for something?”

_“You should take a day off, it’s quiet over here.”_

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll just take a look around at night.”

_“You don’t sound right, want me to come over tonight?”_

Kara thinks for a moment. “Nope, thanks.”

 _“How’s it going with James?”_ Alex asks after a beat. What? Why?

“Why you asking?” she whines on the phone.

Alex’s little smile is audible. _“I know you decided not to go there and focus on work, but I thought maybe you’ve changed your mind, that’s all.”_

“You sound like a matchmaker, you know that? Just because you found someone to spend the rest of your life with,”

_“All I want is for you to be happy.”_

“I know. I mean, I like him, but it’s … he’s a great friend and you know I love him, but I guess I’m the far-away-crush kind of a girl, to want something you can’t have or so.”

_“So you’d rather be miserable than have actual happiness? You know I used to be like that not long ago.”_

“Pfft, you weren’t miserable, just not happy.”

_“Case in point. But it’s your choice. If you don’t have a crush on him anymore…”_

“Who said I don’t?  I don’t want to ruin what we do have, that’s all.”

_“And that’s all? Then why are you miserable?”_

“I’m not. I’m worried about Lena though.”

_“Lena? Someone tried to kill her again or what?”_

“No, she’s not, I can feel there’s something’s wrong with her, but she won’t talk to me.”

_“You know what, I think I will come over and we’ll finish this talk on the couch with a nice pizza.”_

“Okay, you can bring Maggie if you want?”

_“I will, see you!”_

“Bye,” she ends the call and stares at the phone. Why did she even bring Lena up? Alex didn’t even mention her. And she’s not miserable, she has absolutely no reason to be miserable.

 

“Excuse me,” there’s a new voice in the room. It’s funny, how she can recognize all the voices in the newsroom, but not the ones behind masks. “I was told I might find Kara Danvers here?”

Ooh, oh, that’s her! “That’s me,” she waves her hands to the lady. She has long brown hair and livid eyes, her smile big enough to brighten the room. Kara stands up and shakes her hand: “I’m Kara Danvers.”

“Hi, I didn’t want to disturb you,” she looks around as if to determine who and where everyone is.

“No, it’s alright, I was finishing anyway. What can I do for you?”

“This will sound crazy, but,”

“Crazy is exactly what I do,” Kara says before she could stop herself.

“Yes, I read your interview with Lena Luthor.”

Kara’s smile disappears, people interesting in Lena aren’t usually very nice.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name?” she asks.

“Helena, Helena Hunter, sorry, I must’ve forgotten to introduce myself. You see, Lena and I used to be very close, you might say we were best friends.” She sounds sad saying it, putting the emphasis on _very_. “I saw your name on her interviews and I thought, perhaps you could help me reconnect with her.”

“Reconnect? If you were best friends I’m sure you have her information and you could just call her.”

“We didn’t part on a positive note, I’m afraid. I just, I really need to see her.”

Her eyes are pleading. Kara doesn’t like this at all, but she could at least let Lena know. And maybe it would do good for her, having someone close there to take care of her.

“I, umm, I can let her know your number, I guess?” she’s sucking on her lip.

“Thank you, that would so helpful,” Helena grabs her hand between hers and smiles, “you are a good person.”

There’s some heat creeping on Kara’s cheeks, but she swallows it away. “I’ll just,” she waves her phone.

“Thank you, again,” she writes her number on a piece of paper, “have a nice evening, miss Danvers.”

“You too,” she nods as Helena steps out. Okay. A message. Just one message. She deletes and rewrites so many times that in the end she settles for a simple: _Hey, Lena! Your friend Helena Hunter is looking for u, her number’s  59777679. Hope you’re well, Kara._

Send. Why did she add her own name? That’s stupid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: back to Lena!


	4. Helena

 

The loud vibration on Lena’s table gives an alert of another message. If this is the city hall again to get her to the grand opening of that geological discoveries museum-center she might want to change her number. It’s not like there’s anyone calling her who she actually wants to call her. The day was agonizing, too many appointments and too many people that despised her. Like yesterday hadn’t been enough to give her a permanent headache. She does _not_ need someone pestering her to … oh? Lena rubs her temples, corner of her lips twitching a little. Kara? She had been worried, maybe she wants to step by, they didn’t have their lunch today…

_Your friend Helena Hunter is looking for u, her number’s 59777679. Hope you’re well, Kara._

The phone lands back on the table with a painful sound. Helena. Is that her Helena? What if she’s having some flashbacks too? Why would she even go to Kara, it’s not like they’re advertising their friendship, unless she read the interviews. Why would she read them? She didn’t want anything to do with her. Lena starts flipping through the papers in front of her, arranging them and organizing without even looking what exactly she’s doing, her hands just need to keep moving, because when they stop she can’t breathe again. Of course she can, she just needs to keep calm. Keep calm, she can do that, she can, she just needs something. The silver locket is back between her fingers. Should she meet Helena? Or talk to her.

“Miss Luthor?” the door opens. Right, she’s still at work.

“Yes, Jess, what is it?” she manages to sound normal. Cold perhaps, but that’s how she does business.

“The recommendations you wanted to see,” she sneaks closer and slides the documents towards Lena.

“Thank you,” she swallows, “that would be all, you can call it a day. I’ll manage on my own, your work-hours are done already, right?” it’s better if she leaves.

“Are you certain?” Jess sounds hesitant.

“Would it really be so unbelievable if I gave you a free evening?” she snaps, but mellows her tone right away, “Yes, I’m certain. There’s not much for you to do here anyway. Tomorrow eight sharp?”

“Yes, right, thank you,” she still stands for half a minute without moving, “right. Have a nice evening,” she finally backtrails and stumbles out of the door. Lena would find it adorable if she didn’t have other things to think about.

She caresses the added papers without giving them a glance. It had to be Helena, she called herself the Huntress after all.

 

The curtains had been swinging in front of the high windows of her apartment. She never felt at home there, she didn’t remember ever feeling at home.

“Who’s there? Security will come right away!” she almost shouted as she stepped through the door.

“You haven’t called them yet,” the lady in black leather coat with a tiny mask in front of her face moved slowly into the sight, “it’s not like you have anything worth stealing here anyway.” She leaned against the window frame and crossed her legs, the coat flashing a little purple.

“Well, I am now,” she had her phone out, the security was only a button away. The woman was quicker though. With one predatory move, she took the phone, shut it off and threw out the window.

“What do you want from me? You do know who I am I presume?” Lena lifted her brows and tried to remain calm.

The woman shrugged. “Lena Luthor, the heiress? How come you don’t have anything worth stealing here? Not even compromising papers on your brother? I’m bored.”

“Get the hell out from _my_ home,” Lena whispered with a fury in her voice.

“Homes, aren’t they just a façade to hide everything you don’t want people to know about? What’s the matter, did I strike a nerve with your brother? You know he’s not clean,” the woman’s lips curved into an inquiring smile.

“There is no proof of that,” Lena took a tiny step towards the lamp that was hiding a gun.

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” a crossbow was pointed at her.

“All right!” Lena lifted her hands, “who the hell are you and what do you want from me?”

The crossbow was back on the shoulder: “The Huntress, that’s how they call me. And I am not the nice kind of vigilante.” Her voice sounded like honey, how could it be so different from the way she acted?

“None of the vigilantes are the good kind,” she had enough of them running around the city thinking it belonged to them.

The Huntress fell into thought for a moment: “True, but, I’m not from around here. And I needed some cash, don’t have access to my savings you see. And it’s a nice place, I might move in,” there was a smirk on her lips and in her eyes.

What? “You can’t just move in!”

“Why not? It’s not like you treat this place with any warmth. And honest, I’m not here to hurt you.”

“But you’re here to get to my brother.”

“Not anymore, sweetie,” she looked outside, “no need for that.”

Lena was filled with dread. What had Lex done now? Her phone, she couldn’t contact him. The landline ringed. She had forgotten it existed and hit her toes trying to answer as quick as possible.

 _“Lena,”_ mother’s voice, _“where have you been? Your brother just got arrested and you’r god-knows-where. I want you down at the station right now!”_

“Mother, yes, yes, of course,” Lena managed to get out before the call was ended. She fell on the chair. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t see it coming, but she still felt so hollow. The only thing she had was the love she felt for her brother. How was she supposed to keep loving him? How could she not?

“Hey, Lena! Look at me, breathe, just breathe, okay? Can you do that?” a voice cut through her thoughts, pair of grey eyes looked into hers. Then the mask was removed and she could see the worry in them clearly. “Hey, there we go,” a smile, hands on her arms.

Lena nodded. “Thank you, I am all right.”

“Yes, well, I do know a thing or two about family being the monster you were taught to be aware of. I should leave.” The Huntress stepped away.

“You don’t have to,” Lena said, surprising even herself, “if you tell me your name?” Perhaps she just didn’t want to come back to an empty place? She didn’t know why she trusted the bad kind of vigilante, but for some reason she felt like home.

“Are you sure? You know I was just kidding earlier, right?”

“Yes. Just for tonight?”

“Helena, my name is Helena Bertinelli.”

She didn’t need to trust her with her full name. “Thank you, Helena.”

“For what? For years, I haven’t done anything to be thanked for,” Helena dropped her gaze.

“Perhaps, but you’re still better than nothing.”

“Wow, now that’s an accurate compliment,” Helena smiled. Funny, funny girl.

 

Lena grabs the phone. A call? A message? A meeting? She saves Helena’s number in her contacts. _Tomorrow at 4, L-Corp_ she types and sends with a heavy feeling. The answer comes right away: _Thank you._

There’s fluttering in her stomach, it’s scary, but they should talk. And if Lucy and Mina were real… In the end Helena is good, at least she was good to Lena until she couldn’t hold her mouth shut.

And then it happens again, the pain and world disappearing, fading, becoming a different world.

 

“Mina,” Lucy’s voice was low, her fingers touching ever so lightly Mina’s arms and uncovered shoulders and her dark silky hair. Not braided. Mina was glowing, every fingerprint she left on her skin darkened for a moment and leaving behind traces of light red. Mina was so fragile, almost transparent, but her glow was so strong. An angel. Mina was an angel and Lucy wanted to worship her, she wanted to hold that light, to fill her eyes with it.

“Lucy,” Mina’s voice was as gorgeous as her skin, her eyes filled with night sky. So beautiful. “Lucy,” Mina’s lips caught hers. They tasted like warmth and ice and fire, so full of everything, full of love and sadness and heartbreak and something scratching. Lucy wanted more, she wanted all of it, all of the beauty, all of the glow, she wanted to swallow it whole. She needed to, she was so thirsty for that light. She grazed Mina’s cheek with her teeth, moving towards her neck. “Mina,” she hardly recognized her own voice, so throaty, so full of need, so thirsty.

“I’m sorry, I love you, Lucy,” Mina whispered.

 

Lena opens her eyes with a pain so fierce she runs to the sink and throws up. Again. And it was so vivid. The locket is back in her hands, its coolness hexing her heart to slow down. And why was Mina glowing like that? But it was real, it was as real as she is right now. She calms a little and drinks water, takes to paracetamols and drinks more water. She puts the necklace around her neck, it’s better this way, so she could always have something to calm her. Not because it’s Helena’s, it’s just necessary. She could get used to this. Constant memory flashes are nothing unheard of. But they are fresh memories, bits and pieces she doesn’t understand.

The headache is a little better when she takes her phone. To call Helena? No, it’s not the time, even if she knows what’s going on, even if she shares the memories.

 _I’m almost alright,_ she types, _have a good night and thank you, Kara._

 _Sweet dreams!_ And a picture of hugging bears.

The response makes her want to smile. She doesn’t.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to comment smth but now i'm listening to sweet dreams instead (the sucker punch version)


	5. Kara

 

Lena had a tiresome night filled with dreams about the past she couldn’t remember in the morning. She still has no idea why Lucy had seen Mina glowing like an angel. She wants to know, she wants to know everything, but the last vision, if you could call it that, had been worse than the previous ones. It was beautiful, yes, but also filled with hunger and pain. She moves her fingers absentmindedly on the necklace. She will see Helena today, perhaps she has some answers?

She takes a sip of black coffee with milk (no sugar, she despises sugar in her coffee) and watches as the morning light travels from the window to her office table. It’s too bright for her tired eyes, but still somewhat hopeful. She believed for so long that she belonged in the darkness, in the shadows of Lillian and Lex and even her father, but still tied to their vicious plans. Only after moving to National City did she start feeling like maybe, maybe she doesn’t have to stay in the dark forever. Silly hopes, really. And, she shivers slightly and swallows another sip, and the past, it almost seems to confirm her worst fears of not having any right to come out into the sunlight. Just something about it, especially in that last memory, a bitter rusty feeling on her tongue, the terror of becoming a monster. She shakes her head. That’s not her, just her family and past doesn’t matter… she still feels unclean.

She opens her computer and starts working, half because she has to and half because she needs to change her train of thoughts.

She hears the door opening, but doesn’t look up. “Jess, good, could you send me the map of…” she stops talking as her eyes lift up and see Kara instead of her assistant. “Kara! Do what  do I owe the pleasure?” she smirks. At least she hopes it’s a smirk and not a broad ridiculous smile.

“Hi, Lena,” Kara bites her lip, smiles and waves a little, “I don’t want to disturb you, so if this is a bad time,” she fumbles with her words and adjusts the glasses, “I could come back later, it’s just that I don’t need to be anywhere right now and…”

“It’s alright,” Lena interrupts her, “I don’t have any appointments and it’s good to see you.” Did she say too much?

“Oh, that’s, yeah, that’s great. Easy day?” Kara is still standing in the middle of the room.

“Not as busy as yesterday. Sorry I couldn’t make to our lunch-date.”

“Pfft, it’s not we had plans or anything, it’s just that,” Kara stops and looks at her, squinting her eyes as if she wants to say something.

“If there’s anything you need to tell me, Kara, go ahead. I won’t bite,” she tries a joke, that makes her tongue feel heavy. Kara smiles a little sadly. She doesn’t want to end their friendship now, does she?

“Yeah, it’s just that,” Kara starts to pace around the room. She walks almost in circles, not just one way and back again. “You weren’t feeling well, are you okay? And I know I shouldn’t disturb you like this, but I was worried, you know yesterday, there was this cat that vanished and still all I thought about was if you’re well. I mean, I know you probably have headaches a lot, hell, even I do and you can’t find a healthier, umm, human than me and I’m not a CEO of a world-known company with a brother who’s a mass murderer, although I did have this aunt that wasn’t, umm, very nice and my sister puts her life in danger on a daily basis and all my friends have a tendency to get in trouble all the time, but you know, you practically collapsed and I don’t know what to think of it and, umm, Supergirl, she said she didn’t see anything wrong with you physically, but like, how much does she even know, she isn’t a medical doctor, right and, Lena, if there’s something wrong with you, you need to tell me. I wasn’t gonna mention it, but Alex, she said I should do what feels right. And it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel right when you’re hurting like this and I need to know. Please,” she stops on her track, out of breath, and looks pleadingly at Lena.

It’s so much to take in, how is she supposed to tell her? I have flashbacks about a past life where I was kissing the girl I was-am-was in love with in this life?

Lena doesn’t know what to say, so she does the next best thing. She gets up, walks over to Kara and wraps her arms around her. “Everything’s going to be fine, Kara, shh, it will be alright,” she almost believes it herself, when Kara melts into the embrace and tightly grabs onto her.

“You promise? I can’t lose anyone else.” Lena rubs her back and plants a shallow kiss in her hair. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t want to lie. Not to Kara. Kara tightens her grip, when she gets no answer. Neither of them wants to let go, as if it’s the last hug they’ll ever have. “I liked your message last night,” Lena finally whispers, “we’re like those hugging bears, right?” she adds a little uncertainly. Kara chuckles and relaxes finally. “Even better,” she says as she lets go of Lena. With a little regret, Lena does the same. “Sorry I game and freaked out like that. I don’t know what game over me.”

“There’s nothing to feel sorry about,” Lena glides her hands from Kara’s arms to her hands and takes them loosely in her palms, “I’m grateful someone worries about me,” she holds her gaze at their hands, “and I’m grateful for having you as my friend,” she dares to lift her eyes to Kara’s face. A blush is sneaking to her cheeks. Lena smiles. Kara shakes her head and returns a bashful smile. There’s a twinkle in her eyes as the light mirrors from her glasses. She looks so warm and light, like the sunshine. The air seems full of sparks when Kara lets go of the hands and bites her lip, her eyes taking in Lena. “Look at me, I’m such a mess,” she scrubs her hands and fastens the ponytail.

“You’re beautiful,” Lena steps back and clears her throat.

“Oh, umm, thanks?”

Lena laughs a little. “I’m really not terminally ill, you know? At least I hope so,” the thought hadn’t even occurred to her. No, those flashbacks were not hallucinations.

“Yeah, I figured as much, but you’d tell me, if something’s wrong, right?” Kara tilts her head, just a little bit. Lena turns sideways and finds her fingers on the locket. Again. She lets go of it. “Kara, I, I can’t, not right now, I need to figure this out on my own, please try to understand?”

“So, there is something,” Kara hugs herself as she braces for the confirmation.

“It’s not … it’s more of an emotional problem,” she tries to say as much as she can, “some memories have come back to haunt me, it shouldn’t be anything serious.”

“Okay, okay, I can get that,” Kara nods energetically, “but you know you can talk to me, about anything? I won’t, I won’t think anything different of you, whatever it is.”

“I know and thank you, Kara, you have no idea how much it means to me,” for a second she even thinks about telling her. She doesn’t. “But, as I said, I need to understand this on my own.”

“Okay,” Kara seems to understand, “but the moment it gets too much, I’m here for you. Promise me.” The look she gives her doesn’t leave any room for objections. “Promise.” The seriousness in her tone is rewarded with a bright smile from Kara.

“I should leave you to your work,” she starts to move towards the door.

“Kara, have you had breakfast yet?” Lena asks quickly, before she could change her mind.

“No, but…”

“Let’s go,” she grabs her purse, “there’s a little café just downstairs, we can take something to go from there and I can walk you out while doing it,” she winks to her own surprise.

Kara laughs. “Thanks for the chivalry.”

My pleasure. She doesn’t say it, only smiles. She can feel a fresh memory surfacing again, but it’s light. There’s something about Mina leaning on Lucy’s shoulder, but it fades into a fog at the sound of Kara’s laughter and she’s able to concentrate on this world. The necklace back between her fingers.

“I haven’t seen this before? You don’t wear much jewelry,” Kara wonders as she notices it.

“Ah, yes, it’s an old gift, I recently found it again. It’s from a friend,” she let’s go and looks at the elevator lights. She doesn’t remember getting inside.

“Friend? Like Helena?” Kara asks hesitantly, “I hope you got the message, I didn’t want to give her your number,” she adds.

“Yes, in fact I’m going to see her today. Truth be told, I am a little nervous about it.”

“Why?” Kara asks with a frown.

“We didn’t part on a friendly note, not exactly,” she answers. There’s a bling! and the doors open.

“You’ll do just fine, I firmly believe that,” Kara says with a conviction. Then she’s distracted by the bagels behind the glass. “Oooh, I really need that chocolaty éclair and the cheese bagel please,” she smiles to the sales assistant. Lena wants to believe it’s not as bright as the smile she gave to her.

She gets herself one cinnamon bun and walks Kara to the entrance.

“So, I hope you’re gonna have a nice day,” Kara fiddles with the paper bag.

“Yes, you too,” Lena nods slowly and her lips curve into a smile again. For a moment they stand as if they didn’t know how to say goodbye. Then Kara hugs her very lightly and runs outside: “I’ll see you, Lena,” she waves as the door closes behind her and disappears before Lena could’ve said anything.

She smiles to herself and returns to her office. It’s now full of sunshine. It doesn’t hurt her eyes any more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kara is such a sweetheart, isn't she...


	6. Sorry

 

Time seems to be running faster and faster the entire day, there’s no memories trying to break through though. It’s half past three and Lena twists her hands, thinking briefly about the bottle of gin she has in her office. But it’s still sealed and it wouldn’t be professional. She decides to still wear the necklace, because she needs its comfort (and _not_ because it’s from Helena). Helena isn’t a good person, even apart from their questionable friendship she…she was a murderer. Still is, you can’t wash something like that away. The people she killed might have deserved it, but that doesn’t make it right. Even Lex had delusions he was doing the right thing, Lillian as well.

 

 

There was one time when Helena was just sitting by the window, there was something about the window that calmed her, Lena never knew what, and just stared out at the city. Lena would call for her, but she wouldn’t move, she just looked at the ghosts that had made her who she was. Even now, thinking about that picture Lena’s heart aches a little. So utterly sad. There was so much they left unsaid, but that moment she found herself caressing Helena’s face, searching her eyes and holding her hands until Helena noticed, came back to the moment and immediately smiled brightly, blinked to hide the sadness in her eyes.

It was a dangerous line to walk on, hiding a likely fugitive while Lena herself was under mild investigation due to Lex’s machinations. But Helena knew to be discreet and they both needed the company. Perhaps Helena even more than Lena.

She calls Jess to let her know she’s waiting a visitor and they shouldn’t be disturbed, she still doesn’t know how to take off the edge. She walks on the little terrace and searches out her cigarettes. She doesn’t smoke often, but sometimes it’s the only thing that helps sort out her thoughts. The ash falls on the dirt inside the rose-pot. It’s still not blooming, but there are little buds. Perhaps it will bloom this year. It’s one of the few things she took with her from Metropolis. The first plant she ever tried to grow and the only one that just refused to bloom. Ridiculous really, she should’ve just thrown it out, but it wasn’t the plant’s fault, why should it be destroyed?  Lena doesn’t know how to take that life.

The smoke transforms into fog at that thought.

 

There was thirst, there was cold and need for warmth and light. So dark and freezing. Lucy opened her eyes. She was in her room, it was the same as always, except everything felt different, so much darker, the blanket felt like knives on her skin, the air like ice. But there was light in the room. It was dim, but it was warm.

“Mother,” she asked, “mama?” Her mother woke, the light inside her glowing a little brighter, the warmth growing. But it was not enough, she needed to feel it against her, she needed to touch that wonderful glow. “Come to me mother, kiss me,” Lucy lifted her arms.

“Lucy, I was so worried,” even her voice was melting the ice surrounding Lucy.

“Hold me, mama, hold me now,” the embrace was like flames and fire, but it helped only for a moment. She was still so cold, there was nothing except darkness within her.

“Oh my darling, oh, I thought I'd lost you forever,” mama spoke again. The glow flowing inside her, if Lucy could just swallow that glow. If she could just fill herself with that same light, her teeth sank into the veins and she swallowed. So warm, so warm, so warm…she couldn’t stop.

 

No! It can’t be! She couldn’t have killed her mother, Lucy wouldn’t have, why, it’s not real. Lena blinks and smothers her already dead cigarette. This is a lie, this is not a memory. Her heart thumps erratically and wants to jump from the throat, there’s no air in her lungs…no, no, she just has to breathe, she just needs to come back. She finds the chain of the locket and concentrates on that. She’s good, she’s calm, no need to worry, absolutely no need to worry. The thorn of the rose stings her thumb and the air comes back. Why doesn’t it bloom? Lena feels calm again. It’s not so bad, at least the headache is tolerable, unlike the last time. She just needs to get herself together before…She hears a door moving and turns back to her office. She breathes very slowly in and out, the tremble in her hands almost unnoticeable.

“Lena,” Helena’s voice is quiet, like she is afraid to speak, maybe she is. She takes a step inside and closes the door behind her. Beautiful as ever, her long silky hair loose and deep grey eyes even larger than usual. Her lips twitch, as if she almost smiled. Lena almost smiles herself before she remembers it shouldn’t be a happy reunion. “Helena,” her voice comes out softer than she had meant it to be and she arranges the papers on her table, “haven’t,” a cough to hide the little break in her voice, “haven’t seen you for quite a while,” she says, hopefully indifferently.

“Yes, I suppose it’s more of my fault,” Helena takes another step closer, “you’re still wearing it,” she notices, her eyes narrowing.

“Oh. Well, I suppose it just fits with the outfit, I’ve been meaning to get rid of it, but now I can give it back to you,” she starts to click the necklace open. Helena’s eyes dim and she interrupts quickly: “no, it was for you. If, if you don’t want it, that’s alright, but I don’t want it back.”

Lena’s hands fall on her sides, secretly happy she could still have it.

“So, what brings infamous you to National City? I hope it’s not any sort of _hunting_ business?” she lifts her eyebrow.

“No. I thought I could forget it, I, you probably don’t even care anymore. It’s not like we parted friends, I just want to fix that, Lena,” suddenly she’s right in front of Lena, her movements still agile and quick, “your hands are trembling,” she notices, “cold?”

Lena takes a step back. That hit a nerve. “No. I’m sorry, but maybe it’s better you left.” Everything, every word seems as if they’ve done it before.

“No,” for the first time today Helena sounds determined and sure, “I shouldn’t have left. I,” her hand rises as if wanting to touch Lena, but she doesn’t, “I should not have reacted the way I did, I should’ve noticed before. Maybe I didn’t want to, but, Lena, you caught me off guard and…I had loved before, only once and he was taken from me. He was killed and I, I didn’t know how to love someone again, how to let someone that close to me.”

Lena laughs bitterly and turns her head: “You let me close. You talked to me about yourself, are you trying to say you lied?”

“No!” Helena’s hands land on her arms, warm and needy. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t understand _why_ I even stayed with you.”

“And you do now?” her voice sounds poisonous, she can’t help it. “I was in love with you,” she whispers, “and I thought you felt the same way. You’re still touching me as if you felt the same way,” the hands fall from her as if they were burnt, “and then you just couldn’t handle it. What? You never wanted even friendship?” her voice is too loud, “or was I just disgusting? Of course I was, not only am I a Luthor, I’m…”

“Shut up!” Helena whispers with intensity, her eyes shining, “don’t ever talk about yourself like that!”

“Or what? You have no right to tell me what to do. It’s true, I’m vile on every,” she can’t finish. Helena’s lips are on hers, sucking out her breath and silencing the screaming thoughts. For a moment they stand like that, for a moment Lena wants to make it into a proper kiss, then she steps back and slaps Helena. “Don’t tell me to shut up,” but he voice has gone quiet.

“You should take on boxing, might do some good,” Helena smiles.

The fury lets go of Lena’s body and she smiles as well. “Sorry I slapped you.”

Helena shrugs: “Sorry I took away your words. And for leaving like that. You have…” she shakes her head, “you have no idea how much I admire you, always have. You, I, there’s been so much heartbreak, so much pain and obedience in both of our lives and I,” she drops her eyes, “I don’t know if we’re ever able to break free, to change even one different outcome.”

What? Helena’s always been a fighter, fighting against wrong and obedient? Helena?

“Helena, has something happened?”

“Nothing new, no,” she doesn’t sound right.

Why would she come, she could’ve just forgotten everything... “Helena, have you perhaps _remembered_ something?”

Helena laughs in a shallow way, but Lena looks at her until their eyes connect. The laughter disappears and Helena swallows. “Perhaps I should say sorry for killing you as well, Lucy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know, this ch feels a bit messy, but anyway... kind of want Helena's PoV next chapter, but we'll see :)


	7. There Is No Way Out

 

Lena sinks against the table at her words. “What? Did…did you just call me Lucy? You…is it real?” her hands are clasping the wood, but her gaze is so, fear wouldn’t be the right word, more like demanding.

“Is it so hard to believe? I understand not wanting it to be real, but yes, I do think it is,” Helena smirks, trying her hardest not to go to Lena and hold her. She’s never had the right.

“So, it’s real, real memories and what, past lives?” Lena takes deep breaths and her fingers are crawling towards the necklace. Does she even know it’s stolen?

“I’m gonna get you a drink,” Helena hears herself say and shuffles towards the bottle. Lena grabs the glass and drowns the mouthful of gin Helena poured.

“Maybe we should take a seat, I hope we won’t be interrupted?” she doesn’t really know what to say, words just keep falling out of her. It might have been a bad idea to come here, but how could she stay away from someone she’s known through centuries?

Suddenly Lena grabs her hand and pulls her out on the little terrace. They both lean on the railing. It’s a bit chilly, but fresh air seems to do miracles with Lena, her eyes turning curious and perceptive. She was always the strong, the one who could see things clearly.

“Helena, I don’t know where to start,” she rubs her forehead, “did, did you know? Before?  Since when have you known?” she finally settles and turns her face towards Helena. “Did you know before we met? I don’t understand, why…”

“What? I should’ve introduced myself as Mina Murray? Ilona Szilágyi? And no, I didn’t know then,” she rushes forward, when it’s clear that Ilona’s name doesn’t ring a bell for Lena. She’s mouthing it, as if trying to remember and Helena goes on. “I had had some dreams when I met you, but you were not in them and I didn’t think anything of it, I couldn’t know they were real. I only knew they weren’t pleasant and I thought they were an aftereffect of…of everything.” She almost said her time in Italy, but Lena doesn’t need to know that.

“Right. So, when?” the light, almost hauntingly light green of Lena’s eyes won’t let her go.

“When you told me,” she answers with a whisper, “when you stormed out it was,” she swallows. How many times? “it brought back Lucy and Mina,” she settles.

“Because Lucy told Mina the same thing,” the words come out slowly, as if Lena is full of realization.

“Me, she told me the same,” Helena corrects.

“What?” Lena is sharp, her eyes whipping at her, “no, we are not the same people. It’s…past lives, not present. Surely, you must see that?”

Helena wishes she could believe it. She remembers thinking the same in the beginning, before the flood came and along with it all the lives, all the tragic outcomes, predestined to fail. “How much do you remember?” she changes the subject instead.

Lena turns slowly and looks ahead at her hands instead of at Helena. “Not a lot. It only started a few days ago. There was,” she flinches slightly, “the light. I…” she turns back to Helena, “I, Lucy, she killed her mother. Why?”

Helena wraps her arm around her shoulders. Of course, she doesn’t know what happened to Lucy. “Lucy, she,” how is she supposed to say this? “there’s…you know how there’s aliens, right? Well, there’s also things in this world that are, well, magical? No, supernatural would be the word. There are myths and legends that are real.”

“Magic?” Lena laughs almost bitterly, “are you saying we are witches?”

Helena doesn’t point out, that it isn’t that far from the truth. “I mean vampires, Lena.”

“Vampires?” Lena jumps away from her embrace, “right, because that is so much more logical.”

“Lena,” she raises her voice to cut through, “how did Lucy kill her mother?”

Lena clasps a hand to her mouth, there hasn’t been so much terror in her eyes since that first evening. “I’m gonna throw up,” she pants and swallows. Helena is by her side in a blink of an eye. “Lena, look at me, breathe, three times in and out,” she breathes along with her and soon the desperation isn’t so visible anymore. Helena’s hands are moving on her face, through her hair, she just needs to touch. So cold. She rubs Lena’s arms to get her some warm.

“I was a vampire?” Lena finally asks, her voice hoarse and tired.

“I’m afraid so,” Helena answers with a smile.

“And when you said you killed me, killed Lucy, you were serious?”

“Yes. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.” It was all her fault. Every time, all she’s ever done is hurting her. “It was the only way to free you.”

“Right,” Lena comes back to the railing and grips it, her knuckles white. Helena raises a hand to move it on her shoulder, but reconsiders at the last minute and presses her side against Lena’s instead. “Was I always…like that? Lucy, I mean.”

“No! You were a good person, it was just something that was done to you. By a man who never deserved a life.”

“A man? Who? I don’t think I remember him.”

Helena can’t look at Lena, why did she even come? “My husband,” she looks directly at the sun. It’s warm, glowing in orange shades.

Lena’s fingers are in her hair, stroking her head. “Helena, would you look at me?” there’s the calm and reserved Lena Luthor from Metropolis. She finds her eyes, the sun has colored them almost white. “You mean…Mina’s husband turned Lucy into a vampire?”

“We weren’t married then, but yes. He was always my husband, always right behind me, always right next to me, always looking, seeing everything,” it’s hard to think about those eyes without crying, his gaze so heavy, almost suffocating.

“Helena, are you alright?” she’s enveloped in Lena’s embrace, Lena’s lips landing on her forehead, “it’s okay, I’m, I’m here, we’re together, we will never forget. Ilona, I will never forget you, I promise, we’ll meet again, Ilona, my love, we’ll never forget.”

Helena opens her eyes. That isn’t Lena talking, she isn’t in her arms. Just a memory from the only time they had tried to love each other. It still ended in despair.

“As alright as I can be,” she makes an unsuccessful effort to smile.

“Do you, do you want to talk about him? You claimed you had dreams, was he your first memory?”

“No. That was flames. I’m alright, Lena, thank you, for being concerned.”

She can see more and more questions from Lena’s eyes, but she bites her lip and nods. That heartwarming habit of hers. She smiles. “So, anything else you want to know? About Lucy and Mina?”

“As much as you want to tell me?” she sounds hesitant.

“You don’t need to worry about me, I’m the Huntress, remember? Trained to survive.” She’s glad her voice is back to confident, in the moment.

“I want to. Helena, you hurt me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you,” Lena tilts her head and cracks a little smile. “I know how these…memories can be upsetting and it’s only been days for me. It’s been months since we last saw, you must be exhausted.”

“I just want to be free,” she doesn’t know why she says it, “but there is no way out,” in every lifetime there is only pain.

“Well, I used to think no one would ever care about a girl with a Luthor name. But you did, I know that and now there’s…” she stops talking and smiles briefly. “We can find a different outcome, it’s not like we’re alone.”

Why did she come? She read that interview and what? Thought Lena could free her from the past? “I’m sorry I keep hurting you, I’m just so tired,” Helena mumbles.

“I know,” now Lena’s arms are really around her, “so am I, but we’ll figure it out, we have to, and we’ll keep living, Helena, we’ll find a purpose.”

She sounds as if she believes her words. She doesn’t, Helena knows her, but for a little while, she believes as well. She needs to, to keep herself sane.

“Will you stay with me? I assume we would need to stay close.”

How would that help? She can’t tell if Lena means it, but she accepts the offer.

“Sure. I can tell you all I remember about Lucy.”

“The sun is almost setting, we can stay and watch.” Lena changes the subject. How does she do that? Seem so strong? Almost fooling even Helena?

“You getting all romantic?” she picks on her and her heart skips a beat. That’s not what you say to someone who you’ve abandoned, now is it?  
Luckily Lena closes her eyes only for a second: “If you can consider dusty skies romantic.”

Helena follows her example and looks at the sky. Usually a sunset would remind her the pyre, but this time it’s almost beautiful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really know why this took so long...and now i'm so sad for Helena...  
> next time: Kara!


	8. The Pressure and Spiraling Thoughts

 

“Supergirl, you listening?”

Kara whips her head to J’onn: “Yes, you want me to test the new ear thingies, see if they can withstand more pressure,” she answers dutyfully and places hands on her hips.

J’onn looks at her with a thoughtful expression, but continues talking without marking anything else. That was close, she wasn’t sure it was the pressure, could have been fire, just risked with the last problem they’d had with the comms.

“Right, we’re gonna use the pressure chamber, you up for that?”

“Always,” she plasters a smile on, “you mean now?”

“Uh-huh, look, I perfected the water resistance as well, but not too sure about that yet,” Winn juggles the ear buds and Kara snatches them from ear.

“I’ll just, yeah,” she puts them on and starts walking away, it’s the last thing she needs to do today and she’d rather get it over with already. Alex jogs backwards after her. For a second she doesn’t say anything, but of course that was too much to hope for. “So, you okay? You seem a bit distracted?”

“What, one little moment of hesitation and I’m not alright?” she doesn’t mean to be so defensive, it just comes out without thinking.

“No, don’t be like that, Kara, I just,”

“Aren’t you supposed to call me Supergirl at DEO?” the halls are becoming colder, Alex grabs her shoulder.

“Something happen? With Lena? Did you get to talk to her?” sometimes her big sis can be relentless.

“Yes, I talked to her, she’s alright, it was nice, what do you want me to say? Look, Alex, I really don’t want to think about it right now, okay?”

“Okay, but later?” Alex has that loving look, the soft one she doesn’t show often. Damn it, how could anyone resist that?

“Later, yeah,” she gives a promise and steps through the door. Alex closes from the outside and gives a thumbs-up.

“Hey, guys, Supergirl on the mission,” she presses the button.

“You do realize this is not a mission, Supergirl?” J’onn’s slightly mocking voice comes through.

“Training it is then,” she changes tactics, keeping her voice chipper despite the annoyance. She can barely feel the pressure changing, only a little tingling. “You can do better than that, I have every faith in you,” she winks at Alex, who answers with a little smirk on her lips.

“We’re going gradually, don’t forget it’s not you we’re testing.”

“I get it, I get it. Should I be talking constantly?” she sits on the floor and leans her head on the wall.

“You can talk about your day?” J’onn doesn’t sound even slightly interested. “Or sing as far as I’m concerned.”

Strangely not one song comes to mind and there’s always something haunting her. “I can make something up,” she can feel the pressure now, must be the deep-sea-level, “hey, I’m almost like a submarine. Does DEO have a submarine?”

“Yes, we do have different vehicles,” J’onn’s voice is echoing, but it’s all still working.

“Nice, can I, how do you say, board it? Can I board it one day?” the pressure is increasing, pinching her skin and leaving knots in the lungs.

“Not until…” there’s a crack, “…dive…own.”

“Can’t hear you properly.”

“…right…hear you…”

“Didn’t catch that,” her voice becomes slow, “we done?” she’s tired. It’s hard to focus on one single thought.

Then there’s a pressure change. Her ears start to whistle: “Hey, a little slower? I hate too rapid change,” she keeps her eyes closed.

“Sorry, almost done,” the voice is back again, the air is rushing through the chamber again and Kara gets herself up. Soon, the door opens again and she steps out.

 

“So, what’s the verdict? These things phenomenal or what?” no matter how much she tries, her voice still sounds a bit strained and Alex rubs her arm for a brief moment.

“Better than before, still need for improvement,” she hears Winn now that they’re almost back in the war room. She flicks the buds back to his palm: “What, you still not at genius level?”

“Ha-ha, there’s no one close to my genius.” Kara rolls her eyes at her friend. Well, Winn is great, but she’s sure there’s some high-tech stuff at L-Corp.

“Right, it’s late, let’s call it a day,” J’onn nods and moves away.

“Okay, nice night to all!” she turns to leave as well, when Alex’s voice stops her. “Want to wait for me? We could go together?” Kara almost groans before raising her head and smiling. “You sure? I already almost stole you from Maggie yesterday.”

“Exactly, we can talk on the way back and then go our separate ways, how does that sound?”

“Umm, what about your bike? You gonna leave it here or what?” Kara tries to find a way to get out of it. It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to Alex, it’s just that she doesn’t want to talk.

“I can come by car tomorrow. Or you could fly me, just, I’ll get myself logged out and, give me a second,” Alex runs away and there’s nothing left to do than wait for her. she could take off, but that wouldn’t be nice.

 

“Hey, Winn, you not leaving yet?” she frowns when she notices him still mumbling something to himself.

“Naah, just waiting for James and Mon-El, they should be here any moment.”

“What? Boys’ night out?” she can feel some irritation, but smothers it quickly. It’s not that she wants to go on dates with James, but she misses hanging out with him and Mon-El is the only person who could understand her childhood and Winn was her friend first.

“Jealous?” Winn packs his things and smiles at her.

“No,” she denies, “It’s…no! Have fun and I shall have fun with Alex. Can you do me a favour?” she rushes to change the subject, “could you find out something for me?”

“What? Is this some stalkerish thing?”

“No!” she can feel her cheeks heating up, “journalism curiosity, that’s all. There’s,” is this a good idea? She bites her lip, but goes on, “there was someone looking for Lena Luthor, a friend apparently, but I couldn’t find anything about her myself, it’s like the name and the face don’t match, you know?”

“Uh-huh. You’ve become awfully close to a Luthor, that wise?” the grin on Winn’s face makes a tiring day even more tiring.

“Lena is one of the nicest people I’ve ever known, just, will you do it?”

“Fine,” Winn throws hands in the air, “what’s the name?”

“Helena Hunter,” she’s tapping her feet impatiently while Winn does his search. What is she doing? If Lena were to find out she went behind her back like this…but there was something about Helena, like the way she made Lena nervous and the comment about a friend seemed almost like fake. And she was so pretty, with her big eyes and perfect hair and slender fingers and was that necklace from her? It looked like her, sophisticated and silvery and cool. Kara’s never been cool, sure, she’s super and awesome and nice, but not cool, right?

“So,” Winn’s voice comes through. Was she lost in her thoughts again? “Is this her?”

“No! I told you I already looked for her,” she’s irritated that Winn shows her the same face she had found already.

“Ok, relax, will you? I’m gonna need more information and more time if that’s the case.”

“Okay, she probably came from Metropolis, about 20–30 maybe, grey eyes, dark long hair, beautiful.”

“Uh-huh. Probably Metropolis? That’s, why don’t you just ask Lena?”

“Ugh, you’re impossible,” she’s glad to see Alex approaching, “just leave it, whatever.”

“Whatever!” Winn shouts after them.  

 

“Who bit him?” Alex glances back at him.

“No idea,” Kara’s sharp tongue comes out again.

“Oh, you did. Nice to know you’re not upset because of me.”

The fresh air makes her head throb. Or maybe it’s the pressure changes. “I’m not upset,” she denies.

“Yes, you are. So, what happened with Lena?”

“Nothing happened,” she sighs finally and rubs her hands.

“You do know you forgot to put some clothes on. Or were you planning to walk as Supergirl?” Alex laughs and Kara feels herself relax a bit.

“I didn’t forget, I came like this and I forgot to bring back the change from last time. Besides, once we get to the road, we’re gonna fly, right?”

Alex shoves her on the side: “Sure.” There’s silence, but not a bad silence. The sun has almost set. Makes the field look nice. “You wanna talk about it?” the inquiry is almost a whisper. Alex is probably holding her breath.

“There’s not…there’s not a lot to talk about.”

“You still thinking about James?”

“What? No, he, I made my choice, we made that choice. I love him, but it was more like…more like I couldn’t have him, you know? I mean he’s hot, but I can’t picture us being together forever and…he has other projects now, with Guardian and…it felt as if maybe, maybe he was more interested in Supergirl anyway?”

“No. Kara, don’t say that, that’s not fair to him.”

Kara nods. Of course Alex is right. “I guess something was missing, the thrill was gone when we finally tried. Really, that’s, I do miss hanging out with everyone.”

“Well, let’s together on Saturday and have a little movi-night with great food,” Alex shoves her again and Kara smiles at the thought, “perhaps you can invite Lena as well?”

“I don’t, I don’t know, you think she would come? I mean, would she want to come, not cause it’s nice to accept the invitation, but cause she wants to? She hasn’t met anyone really, well she’s met you and Winn, but that was on the job and her life was in danger and I don’t even know her schedule. Would she be free? You think? It’s the weekend, perhaps she has some fancy party. Does she like movies, I don’t know for sure, maybe she’d watch those critically acclaimed films with subtitles instead? Or maybe she’d rather spend time with Helena and I don’t know, should I invite her, what do you think?” she turns to Alex who’s stopped and looks at her with wide eyes.

“Damn, that was embarrassing, lil sis,” she mumbles.

Kara narrows her eyes at that: “You do know I have superhearing, right?” what the hell is so embarrassing? She wasn’t rambling that much, was she?

“Yes, Kara, I think you should invite her. Who’s Helena? The girl searching for her yesterday?”

“Yeah. Lena was wearing the necklace she’d given her,” she leans on Alex’s shoulder and can feel her sister’s silent chuckles. “Why was Lena so nervous to meet her?”

“Well, you said she hasn’t been feeling well, right?” Alex pats her head. “Maybe that’s why. She’s not dying though, right?”

Kara lets out a little laugh. “No, I don’t think she is. I just overreacted.”

“You think you’re overreacting about Helena as well?”

She groans and straightens herself up. “Probably.”

“There we go. Better?”

“You’re the best, Alex. Want a lift?” Kara asks with a smile. She does feel a little better.

“Thought you’d never ask,” Alex winks and Kara flies her home, the rush of wind soothing her spiraling thoughts, Alex pressed to her back.

“Have a good night,” a short hug from Alex is always a good thing.

“You too, don’t stay up too long!”

“No promises. Bye!”

Kara takes off, her sister waving her before slipping inside.

 

She should call Lena, invite her to hang out. Well, they hang out almost every day, but this would be different, it would be with others. Would it overwhelm Lena? And she doesn’t know about Supergirl, she’d be the only one like that... Lena’s probably still at work. It wouldn’t be trespassing if Supergirl paid her visit at the workplace, right? There’s still the threat of Cadmus, she should fill her in with recent information, it would only be the responsible thing to do… Before she could change her mind, the L-Corp is already in her sight. She knows exactly where Lena’s office is located, with the little terrace, similar to the one she has at home. She sweeps by before landing. There’s light, but no-ones outside. She knows Lena likes sunsets, but that’s almost over, she’s probably finishing up for the night. Maybe she could offer to take Lena home..?

That’s when she notices Lena through the window, but she’s not alone. Is that Helena? They’re leaning on the desk against each other, in a cute side hug. She shouldn’t disturb them. She shouldn’t. There isn’t even anything for them to talk about, she’s not Kara Danvers right now. She should just leave, but for some reason she’s not able to, all she can do is float in the middle of air. They look so beautiful together, like they belong… her thoughts are disrupted, when Lena turns her head and looks at her. Now there’s…panic? Lena gets up and she can hear her voice through the glass: “Supergirl?” She’s about to come outside, but Kara shakes her head and flies off.

Right. Why was she frozen? Why the panic? Right. Right. A flight over the world would do her some good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh, what now...  
> this came out longer than usual, blame Kate Bush on the background :)
> 
> (please tell me if i mess up with some canon information! or if i use a wrong word - my vocabulary in english feels pretty rotten right now :))


	9. Why Are You Here?

 

“So the rumors are true? You are friends? With Supergirl?” Helena’s voice registers and Lena draws her eyes away from the window, turning back to Helena.

“I suppose you could say that, yes. We have collaborated a few times and she,” she finds it difficult to find a right word, “she’s not judgmental, you know? It doesn’t matter that I’m a Luthor to her. Right from the beginning, I didn’t need to prove my innocence to her. This city has been good to me,” she smiles faintly

“I can see. Kara,” she explains when Lena rises her brows to her remark, “she seems to be a good friend as well.”

“Yes, Kara has been very nice. She…” Lena bites her lip, “you know what, I think I should call her, let her know how it went. I’m afraid I’ve worried her.”

“Of course,” Helena takes a step back.

Kara’s number lights up and Lena turns herself back to the window, as if she could somehow see Kara from here. What a ridiculous thought.  No answer.

“That’s strange, she’s not answering,” perhaps something has happened? She sends a message instead. _Everything alright with Helena. I’ll see you tomorrow._

Answer doesn’t come right away and she’s about to put the phone away, when finally there’s a reply. _Yes. I’m glad, I’m fine, just a bit busy. Have a good night._

Lena smiles and replies with a _And have a good night to you as well, Kara Danvers ;)_ before focusing on Helena again.

“We should go, my driver’s probably waiting already.”

“Yes,” Helena links their arms from the elbow and smiles brightly, “and you can tell me all about how you started to trust a vigilante.”

“I trusted you, didn’t I?”

“That’s different, you knew it was me. You don’t know who Supergirl is, do you?” her voice is so melodic, her breath caressing the skin that it’s hard for Lena to look away.

“No, I don’t. I haven’t given much thought about who it could be. I don’t think I want to know.”

“Oh?  No curiosity?”

“It’s, it’s not that I’m not curios,” Helena drags them out of the door, her hair getting a bit messy from the rash movement. Without thinking Lena  lifts her hand and glides her fingers through the tangled strands of hair. Helena smiles, but doesn’t say anything. She moves her hand away, perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to invite her to stay with Lena. “Maybe I want to respect her decision of hiding her identity. After all, it’s not as if we’re much different.”

The smile fades and Lena regrets her words immediately.

“It’s not the same though. It’s not as if we asked for these memories.”

“No, but it’s a choice to keep it hidden, is it not?” they get in to the elevator and Helena lets go of her arm. Lena shudders at the sudden cold, missing the closeness.

Flashes of Mina and Lucy come to mind. Not heightened by the glowing blood this time, but a simple evening. She reaches out for her necklace, but Helena’s fingers grab her hand.

“Lena?” Helena’s face is swallowed by the mist, but still visible, “focus on me. Look at me, Lena, talk through it. Tell me what you see.”

Talk? How is she supposed to say how the memories make her feel? Describe it?

“Where are you?” Helena’s voice comes through.

“I’m, we’re in Lucy’s bedroom. Lucy is braiding Mina’s hair.”

“That’s a beautiful memory. Anything else?”

“No.”

It’s true, they didn’t talk, Mina sitting on the bed with Lucy kneeling behind her. There were no words, only Lucy’s fingers touching the silk in Mina’s hair, drifting slightly to the neck, thumb briefly sensing Mina’s heartbeat in her pulse. A random thought how easy it would be to kiss the same spot. She breathed gently on Mina’s neck instead. Mina let out a giggle and turned her head. “That tickles,” she said with silvery laughter still in her voice and bumped her head on Lucy’s shoulder, giving a quick peck on Lucy’s cheek before turning back.

 

The memory starts to fade, for a moment Lena sees both the past and present at the same time and then she’s fully back in the present.

“You, I mean Mina, she said it tickles.” She finishes describing her memory. They may have shared the past, but the memories can never be identical. She doesn’t go into detail.

“You can say it’s me, I used to be Mina.” Helena still holds her hands and Lena withdraws them.

“Well, maybe you used to be, but you aren’t anymore. You mentioned,” she starts asking about different lifetimes, when the doors open, “you mentioned another name before? Ilona was it?”

Helena shakes her head and avoids eye contact. “You don’t remember that time, it doesn’t matter.”

It sounds as if it matters a lot, like Helena’s afraid to talk about that time. “Did…did Mina and Lucy also start remembering past lives?” she can’t let go of it.

“Lena, it doesn’t matter,” comes a sharp answer, “sorry. Yes, they, at least I, Mina remembered. It was too late by then. Like I said, it never ends well.”

“Do you want it to end well now?” Lena questions before catching herself.

“What? Of course I do, my faith is just a little lacking,” Helena winks as Lena shows her to the car. They get on the back seat and Seb starts driving.

Neither of them speak on the drive. Lena wants answers, but she doesn’t know how to ask for them, what it is she wants to know. Is it about the past or have Helena’s feelings changed?

“I like your place,” is the first thing Helena says as they get in the house, “oh, you  have a balcony here as well? for the Huntress or for a certain hero of National City?” there’s too much playfulness in her tone.

“I like to grow plants there, that’s all. Helena, have… how do you feel about me?” Lena decides to be direct. “Did you come to talk about the past or was there something else?”

Helena’s shoulders slump and she falls on the sofa. “I don’t know,” she looks up to Lena, “like I told you, I have no idea what love is anymore and these memories, they’re not exactly helping, you know? But I think you, I might be able to love you.” She laughs a little. “There must be a reason we remember, right? Maybe we’re always supposed to die trying to fix things. Perhaps we’re meant to be together, like fate.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic about it,” Lena sits beside her, “I don’t believe in fate, destiny, it shouldn’t work like that.”

“Maybe I’m resigned to it? And when I say it always ends bad, doesn’t mean it always was bad. I was brave enough once to be in love with you. The oldest time I remember.”

Lena’s heart skips a beat. “What happened?”

There’s a smile on Helena’s face, as if she’s somewhere far away. “Helena?”

“It ended badly. Not my fault, or yours, people more powerful than us.”

Lena doesn’t know what to say or even feel. “I don’t know if I can do that. To be with you after everything and I’m sorry I can’t remember more.”

“No need. Lena, I wasn’t expecting you to forgive me and wait for me and always … always love me or even want me. I’m just saying I’m willing to try.”

“Because it’s fate? That’s, I don’t think that’s enough for me.”

“No!” Helena catches her eyes. “It’s such a fucking mess. I don’t know what I feel, because it’s all mixed up in my mind and my heart. All I really know is that I miss you and I need you and it’s selfish. I’ve always been goddamn selfish.”

Lena bumps her on the side. “You weren’t selfish when you helped after me Lex’s arrest. No matter what you might think.”

Helena nods and licks her lips. It would be easy, even something right to kiss her. With a little regret Lena stands up instead: “You can sleep in the guestroom, I ll show you.”

It’s unfair of Helena to want something now, but that’s how feelings are, right? Evolving at the worst of moments and confusing.

“Sure. Lena,” Helena stops her at the door, “I don’t want to ruin anything for you, if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s all up to you, promise.”

Lena nods and turns away. “Have good night!”

“You too,” Helena’s reply is quiet, she doesn’t like the sadness coming through.

Lena stays on the balcony for a while before going to bed. Perhaps she likes the fresh air or the darkness, perhaps she hopes for a certain superhero to come by. She doesn’t. Why had Supergirl run away like that? Was there an emergency? Something coming up like with Kara?

She dreams about past and every time she wakes up there’s a new piece to fit to her memories. It’s almost dawn, when Ilona first appears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya! it's been long, i haven't had much energy these last few weeks, but here's the new chapter!  
> thanks for reading and staying! (let me know your thoughts, they brighten my day ;))  
> next time: the story of Ilona Tepes


	10. Ilona

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) hope you like this one!

 

“Will you be staying?” the lady with hauntingly glowing skin asked. They were sitting outside on a stony staircase, the nightsky making it impossible to see around them.

“I would like to, but my sister insists on completing my training,” she snapped her fingers to conjure a little ball of light. It was so small and faint she didn’t worry about anyone seeing.

“You don’t need to do what she wants, Morgana. Can I?” Ilona asked and carved her fingers around the lightball without waiting for an answer, her eyes wide and full of amazement. “It is so beautiful. And warm. Here, it’s as warm and kind as you are,” she raised her palm and placed the sparkling bit of magic against Morgana’s chest, just above her heart.

“I’m not really as warm and kind as you seem to think,” she intertwined their fingers and held Ilona’s hand in place, the glow slipping into midair to illuminate their faces.

“Of course you are. This magic came from you, there is no way it would be different from you.

Morgana laughed without meaning to. “I’ve betrayed people I loved, so I don’t really understand where you’re coming from.”

“What, because of my accent?” Ilona made an attempt at a joke.

“No, your accent is lovely, reminds me of fire and smells like earth.”

She expected Ilona to laugh at her melodramatic and only a little fake description, but she didn’t, she gave her a hug instead, kissing Morgana’s cheek and as she pulled away, her hands stayed to caress her face. “Did you stop loving them?” she asked, eyes dangerously deep and dark. Too dangerous to move away from their gaze.

“No. I didn’t.”

“So, you’re telling me you still love, even those you didn’t think were worth your trust? That is warm and kind. I don’t know your reasons, but it must’ve been painful? I feel warm every time I look at you, every time we touch. You are brave and courageous enough to choose your own path, yet you are still full of love. You’ve been nothing but kind to me, my beautiful beautiful sorceress,” her hands grabbed Morgana’s and she placed light kisses on her palms. “I don’t remember ever,” she didn’t finish her sentence, but flinched away suddenly, her eyes finally leaving Morgana’s.

Instead of relief she felt abandoned instead. “You don’t remember ever what?” Morgana whispered hoarsely, “Ilona?”

“I don’t remember ever loving.” Ilona raised her eyes again.

“You don’t love your family? You don’t have to like them to love them you know?”

“Yes. And I do, but it has never been my choice to love them. Would it be too, umm, outrageous? To say I loved you like that? I don’t remember making that choice, you’ve been here for only a month, but I want to be only with you, all the time.” She now looked solely at Morgana again, her hands traveling on the skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. “And I don’t mean just talking, I mean I want to look at you, I want to touch you, I want to see inside of you, I want to know what you taste like and I want you to feel the same. No, I have never loved like this,” she finished.

Morgana licked her lips, taking in the beautiful creature beside her, her eyes, now full of desire, her black curls and the white nightgown, that didn’t hide the curves and angles of her body, this wonderful woman, understanding and loving. Without a thought she leaned closer and licked Ilona’s lips. “I do feel the same,” she looked in those grey eyes, “I want to stay, I want to stay forever with you here.” She felt Ilona smiling and nodding: “Good,” her voice was barely there, but it didn’t matter, because she could feel it on her skin, their breaths twirling and mixing, lips meeting, tongues grazing teeth, rolling and tasting each other. She let her fingers dance on Ilona’s skin, wanting to touch even more, wanting to know every part of Ilona’s body.

“Not here,” Ilona broke away from their kiss, “backyard, in the garden.” Morgana smothered the tiny spark of magic. They were back in the darkness, only a few rays of Moon finding their way through the clouds in the sky. It was enough to grab Ilona’s hand and run to the back of the house. “Are you sure no one’s looking for you?” she asked.

“Yes. I often spend my nights outside of the manor. As long as I’m there by the morning, they won’t care,” she’s dragged under an old oak tree. “I love you, Morgana, _szeretlek._ Don’t ever go, always, always, stay together,” she mumbled through kisses. “I promise,” Morgana managed to get out before she was smothered breathless, flesh hot and blood rushing through mind, vaporizing everything else besides Ilona Szilágyi.

 

The dream shifts. Lena tries to hold onto it, but it twists and swirls into another, different moment with Ilona.

 

Ilona was pacing back and fourth. “What? Am I supposed to save our family? Our country and land? It is ridiculous, Vlad Tepes does not have that kind of power. He shouldn’t have! He should be insignificant, he is insignificant, has always been. It’s like he has this power over my cousin, you must see it, Morgana! He used to despise him and now they’re so close he wants me to become his wife?” her eyes were flashing with fire. “Could he be a sorcerer? There is no reason for him to be trusted, but no one listens to me, not even my father. I…I, I don’t want to marry him, Morgana, and you stayed, you stayed” she was pleading, her voice drowning to a mumble.

Morgana wrapped her in a hug, not knowing what else to do. “I know, I know. I’m never going to leave you, not even when we’re not together. I gave you my promise, love. I could,” she didn’t want to say it out loud, but it was the only quick solution, “I could kill him. I could use a curse, a spell, I wouldn’t even have to go near him. I know I haven’t practiced magic for a while, but I could still do it. You would be free of him.”

“No,” Ilona clutched her closer, more desperate and shook her head, “I don’t want you to ever have to do something like that again, not for me, never for me, Morgana. You are so kind, it would destroy, I can’t, not for me.”

Morgana swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. “All right, but we need to do something.”

“I don’t know how to get out of it, I’ve tried every diplomatic way, he’s put everyone under his spell. I don’t want to leave you.”

“You won’t. Listen, listen, we can still be together. My necklace, I can put a spell on it.”

“What?” Ilona stepped away from her and tilted her head.

“It’s,” it’s difficult that’s what it was, “it’s not in the my tongue, but I know the words, it’s a spell for us to always find each other and always remember, come what may. Is that, can I use it?” she asked before gathering the magic.

“Yes, I trust you, Morgana, to the end and back.”

Morgana smiled a little, gave her a peck on the lips and took off her necklace. “We need to place our right hands on each other’s hearts to create the connection,” she held the necklace up in her left hand between the two of them and placed another hand above Ilona’s heart. Ilona completed the connection and Morgana called her magic. It was buzzing in her veins, the warmth setting her eyes firey golden. She concentrated it on the chain and amulet, feeling the burn surging through her hands and heart, the words game out without having to think about them, words older than time commanding it to hold them together, to find, to remember, to always remain connected. By the end of it she added a bonus warning on the necklace. Then everything turned cold, the air froze for a second and the spell was cast.

She took a ring out of the chain and gave it to Ilona: “Hold this close to you. Whenever you want to get out, you want to leave him, you want him dead despite everything, say my name while looking at it and I will know. I will know and I will come. But we are now connected even without it.”

“Thank you,” Ilona looked at her, “your magic is still so beautiful, the warmest and kindest thing I’ve ever felt. I hope it helps, the connection. Will you go to your sister now?”

“I will go to her yes, but I won’t leave for Albion.”

“I will always love you, Morgana.”

“It’s okay, I’m, I’m here, we’re together, we will never forget. Ilona, I will never forget you, I promise, we’ll meet again, Ilona, my love, we’ll never forget,” she found herself hugging Ilona again, “I love you.”

 

The dream fades, but Lena still won’t wake up, there is still something…

 

“Morgana, I told you to make your choice, you did. Now it’s time to know where your loyalties lie. You have completed your training and you’ve been away from Camelot for almost a year. It’s time to return.”

“Sister, I haven’t heard anything from her! You know I can’t leave without a word.”

“She has forgotten you. Or she doesn’t care, I’m the only one who has ever cared, Morgana, you must know that.”

Morgana nodded, her fingers landing absentmindedly on the necklace. “I know you care, Morgause, I just need to know she’s fine.”

“You’re a seeer, Morgana, you would know if something was off.”

She shook her head. “No, all I’ve seen is smoke, I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to look through the mirror portal, but … she doesn’t seem sad.”

“There you go, an answer, she doesn’t need saving. My dear, you must realize that,” Morgause rubbed her shoulders.

“Yes, we should, ah!” Morgana shouted out and ripped the necklace away from her. it was burning hot, for a moment it was visibly in fire before turning back to silvery lifeless thing.

The cold. The hollow. She was gone. Burnt like a witch she never was.

 

Lena wakes in cold sweat, screaming out Ilona’s name.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought long before deciding to bring Morgana in, but she just fits (and yeah, the timeline is probably not the exact same, but please work with me here, it's not that much off either)
> 
> i also marked that it's gonna have 20 chapters, but it's not an exact number. it's gonna be around 20 ch, i just wanted to give some sort of a base line.
> 
> next time: i think i'm gonna have to continue with Helena and get the entire story


	11. Destiny Should Not Be The Right Word

 

Helena rushes in the moment she hears Lena calling for her. Well, for Ilona, but she’s forgotten the differences.

“Lena!” she lands on the bed and gathers Lena tightly in her arms. “I’m here, I’m not gone, I’m right here,” Helena rubs her back and neck and places little kisses in her hair while Lena clings to her, not able to breathe properly. “Shh, you’ll be okay, we’ll be okay,” she says the words without promising anything, “I’ve got you.” They swing a few minutes and just as Helena starts to really worry, Lena’s breathing deepens and she seems to be a lot calmer. Her fingers still clutched into Helena’s shoulders she straightens herself and dries the tears.

“Fuck, didn’t expect to start crying like that, such a long time ago,” are her first recognizable words. She leans, grabs a pack of tissues from under her pillow and blows her nose. Helena strokes her arm before pulling back as well. “You died,” Lena finally looks at her and says it almost like a question, “that is, Ilona died. And it was my doing,” a bitter laugh escapes from her and she shakes her head.

“No! Lena, that was,” Helena rubs her chest, trying to find the right words, “if you want to blame someone, it should be Vlad Tepes, his actions resulted in my death. And also yours when you were Lucy. He was a creature of death right until I killed him. You have nothing to…you didn’t do anything wrong, you never did.”

Lena is still holding her gaze. When she finally drops it, her head hangs down along with it and her voice becomes a whisper. “You don’t know, do you? You don’t remember the most important part. When, what is the last memory you have of Morgana?”

“She said we’d always be together. We were about to leave each other.”

Lena nods. “Do you remember why she said it, what happened before?”

“Well, I was about to marry Vlad, kind of hard to forget that. And after, I think I forgot her while I was married to him, I was almost happy with him at the time. You know, he had this presence, this ability to erase everything from your world apart from  himself.” He had done it with Ilona, had done it with Mina, had done it to her. good thing he was buried in the meantime.  

“Helena,” Lena’s voice brings her back before she could fall into the past, “you mentioned witchcraft before?”

“Yes. Morgana had magic, but it was beautiful, she never did anything serious. And I was burnt as a witch. What are you trying to tell me?”

Lena lets out a little laugh again, like she’s too stressed out to cry and goes for laugh instead. “It’s a spell. Morgana bound us to always be together, to always remember and that’s why we’re not able to have a real life today. There are always ghosts present. I wish I knew how to undo it.”

Helena sits on the edge of the bed. There is a reason? It’s not purely destiny or fate? Does that mean they’re not meant to be and that’s why she wasn’t able to feel that way about Lena? “But…the feelings? Those couldn’t be a hex, right?”

“No. No, I think I’ve always,” Lena closes her eyes and swallows visibly, “loved you. It’s been different though. Remember Martha and Clea? We were together, but not in love, I think. I’ve had a busy night,” she explains as Helena’s about to ask how she knows, “and you, even Mina didn’t…” she doesn’t finish her thought, they both know what she was about to say. Even Mina didn’t love Lucy back. It isn’t the whole truth though and a slice of memory washes over Helena.

_Mina was drawn to Alexander Grayson, remembering him from a past life. Remembering the caresses and happiness and absolute bliss she had felt with the man. Like nothing in the world had any meaning besides the two of them. “I wish I had met you sooner, my love,” she looked at him, feeling his unwavering gaze travelling over her body, “I wish we had never parted.”_

_“We are together now, forever if you wish,” his fingers demanding, voice filled with lust._

_“I’d love to, but I should return to the lab, it’s time to check the results.”_

_Alexander groaned but let her slip out of the bed: “Don’t forget to come back!”_

_“Never,” Mina laughed._

_She’d just gotten to the building when a familiar hand grabbed her arm. “Mina,” Lucy whispered. She pulled her arm back: “Lucy, you’re hurting me.”_

_“I’m sorry, I don’t, you’re so warm and I’m so cold. Mina, I’m so cold.”_

_Lucy was shivering, Mina sighed and rubbed her arms. “Mina, do you hate me? I’m a monster, I know, but I, I loved you. I still need you.” Lucy sounded desperate, her words not making a lot of sense._

_“Lucy, are you alright? I could never hate you, not really, come on,” she tried to shove her inside, but Lucy just shook her head. “Mina, before everything went to hell, I just, I wanted to give you something,” she took out a silvery necklace, “I always thought you were bright as the silver moon. It’s a little thing, but it reminded me of you. He,” she placed it on Mina’s palm and bent the fingers around it, “he made me into a monster. I hope I wasn’t that before.”_

_“Lucy?” there were tears shining in her eyes. “Who? What’s happened?”_

_“Alexander Grayson,” for a moment Lucy’s fingers dug painfully in her hands, but then she released them, turned and ran. Ran faster than wind._

_Mina missed her, ached to comfort her, but even if she could, everything was so complicated now. She played with the necklace. And felt fear._

_“We’ll always be together,” Lucy’s voice came to her from the past. And fear of a man she fell in love with instantly. Both times. Alexander’s spell started to fade. Only regret and sadness were left._

“So you see, it is not fate. It is not us, Helena! The love is real, but not the story around it. Do you know where the chain ring is? You had the necklace?” Lena asks her and Helena shakes her head. “I stole it from a museum in Star City, I didn’t even know why.”

“There must be a way to undo the spell,” Lena bites her lips, dragging them through her teeth.

“But, you’re not a witch, Lena.”

Lena jumps out of the bed and pulls a nightgown on. “No, but wasn’t science considered to be witchcraft once upon a time? There has to be a way to undo it.”

Helena wants to ask why she’s determined to undo it. Is it that bad to find each other in every lifetime? The thought surprises her. She had wanted to become free of the curse, but now…the thought of not meeting Lena in another life seems foreign and scary. It’s stupid, of course she should want it, the memories alone have been pure pain. The flames and death and heartbreak and killing the people she loved. Killing Lucy, killing Alexander. And the things she’s done in this life are not much better. She should want to forget.

Lena is pacing around the room now. “It’s like electricity, right? A light so bright, a force that can kill,” she’s mumbling under her breath, excited and hyperactive.

“Is that how Morgana did it?” Helena forces herself to ask.

Lena stops, grows quiet, her face pale as if remembering something, but she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. “I can’t, I can’t talk of Morgana right now. Kara, she could find me references to witchcraft, she’s good with that sort of things,” her voice is strained and her hands have started shaking again as she searches for her phone. Helena hands it to her, leaving a hand on her back for support.

Lena sits and color returns on her cheeks as someone answers. Helena moves by a window and leans on the wall.

“Kara, hi, I hope I didn’t wake you,” there’s a hidden smile in Lena’s voice. “I was wondering if you could do me a favor,” her fingers are dancing on the bedsheets. “There’s some research material I thought maybe you could find for me. It’s not work related, no,” she briefly laughs at something. A warm laugh. “Well, my hobbies are quite often work related. It’s going to sound crazy, but I need materials on witchcraft and spells. The old kind, about memories and reincarnation perhaps. Told you it sounded crazy! You know what, I’ll send you a mail about the specifics. Thank you so much! And we’ll see at lunch, right? Kara, wait!” she almost hangs up before continuing. “Are you doing alright? You seemed distraught yesterday evening, everything fine? Good, I’m glad. And Kara, thank you. I’ll see you, bye,” she finishes the call with a smile on her lips and in her eyes.  

Maybe she’s the reason she wants to undo the spell.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: Kara, finally! :)


	12. We'll Talk It Through

 

Even after flying around the world and smashing a few junk cars Kara still had a restless night. The first thing that calms her a bit is Lena’s phone call in the morning. She is the one Lena calls to when needing help. That’s good, right? That means they’ve grown close as friends, right? She almost calls Alex to talk about it, but changes her mind the last second. They already talked about it, didn’t they? Kara sucks on her lip and juggles with her phone before it starts ringing again.

 _“Kara, hey!”_ Winn’s voice comes through before she can even say anything. _“Not a lot of time, just a quick update on that Helena lady you asked about. So, turns out Hunter is not her real name.”_

“What?” Kara’s heart skips a beat. She can hear it skip a beat.

_“Yeah, it’s Bertinelli. As in a wanted criminal in Star City. Became sort of a vigilante after her fiancée’s death, tried to kill her own father and all. What kind of a mess are you in? Do I need to call Alex?”_

“No! No, I’ll sort it out myself. Thank you, Winn,” she’s about to hang up.

_“Kara, you’ll, you’ll call me or at least someone, when you’re really in trouble, right? This girl is bad news.”_

“No-no, no need to worry. It’s just…work-related,” Kara lies before she can stop herself. She should talk to Lena about. “Hey, have fun at work!”

 _“Thought you said it was about Lena?”_ Winn sounds worried.

“Yeah, but it was work-related to her. Like, she sounded as if she wanted an interview or something,” she rushes to fix her earlier mistake.

 _“Uh-huh,”_ Winn still sound unconvinced.

“Just trust me, okay? I promise I’ll be careful. I’m the Supergirl, remember?”

_“All right. I won’t sound the alarms just yet. But you’ll keep me updated!”_

“Yes, thank you, you’re a true friend!” She ends the call before she could change her mind about lying and throws the phone on the bed. Damn it! Maybe Lena knows and that’s why she was so nervous about meeting her? But Lena being friends with someone like that, possibly even more, just doesn’t sound right. She didn’t even trust Supergirl right away. She can talk to her about it soon enough. Right, right, calming down. How the hell is she supposed to calm down, when her best friend is close to someone dangerous? She massages her forehead and decides to concentrate on Lena’s favor instead. She puts on the glasses, checks she looks enough like herself in the mirror and rushes to work.

By the time it’s almost time for their lunch date she has discovered dozens of spells about memories, has written two words about her next article idea and has learned everything she could about Helena Bertinelli aka the Huntress. She prints out the spells and one of the stories about Helena, sighs, and walks to the little café Lena loves as slowly as possible. She wants to see her, but why do things always have to be complicated? Is this because she’s Supergirl? Maybe she should tell Lena about that as well? She wants to turn back so many times before getting there, but she promised to go, right? But what if Lena doesn’t believe her? What if she doesn’t want to see Kara again?

“Kara! Over here,” Lena’s voice cuts through her thoughts and she smiles briefly despite herself. Lena is waving to her from a table at the far corner.

“Hey,” she slides awkwardly closer, not knowing if they should hug or if she should just sit down and act normal. It appears to be a difficult task around Lena and suddenly she’s embarrassed to remember how she stormed in her office and started babbling about nonsense, not being able to stop. Thankfully, Lena interrupts her internal screaming by standing up and hugging her very quickly. Just like that, it’s easy. Kara hugs people all the time, it’s not that hard, it really isn’t.

Lena brushes her knuckles on Kara’s cheek before sliding back in the booth, Kara sits next to her and starts to fumble with her bag, taking the papers out and reorganizing them.

“Kara? Is everything alright?” Lena’s eyes are on her, darker and greener than she’s seen before. Right, right, they’re sitting away from the direct sunlight.

Kara hugs herself for a moment before settling her hands on the table. Lena’s shoulder brushes against her and she almost rests her hand on Kara’s before setting it down next to hers instead. It’s a relief, her heart is already thumping too fast.

“Uh, what? Yeah, I’m okay, you?” she dares to look back to the other woman. There’s a little hint of a smile on Lena’s lips and her eyes are still on Kara.

“Better than the last time,” Lena finally looks away, but bites her lip by doing so and Kara can feel a blush creeping forward.

“Good, that’s good, I, uh,” how is she supposed to bring up Helena? “I got some spells already, but I don’t know if they’re very authentic. I’d have to do a more thorough research.” She starts with the other topic instead.

Lena lights up and starts to reach for the papers, when the waitress interrupts them.

“There you go, anything else I can get for you, ladies?” she places two cups of coffee with two chocolate cookies on the table.

“Kara?”   
Kara shakes her head: “Not at the moment, thank you.”

The woman smiles and leaves as quietly as she can come.

“Sorry, I took the liberty, I know how you like your coffee so I thought it would be alright to order?” Lena says as if still asking a permission.

“Yes, Lena, I’ve told you before, the moment you mess up I’ll let you know.”

“Good, good. I don’t want you to feel as if I’m making decisions for you. I don’t ever want you to feel like that with anyone.”

Kara has to cough, the thoughtfulness is overwhelming. “No. Next time I’ll order for you.”

Lena laughs and hides her smile behind the cup. “I’m glad you still want to see me. I must admit I haven’t been the most cheerful person to be around.”

“Lena, you’re perfect, don’t talk yourself down.” Kara has to cough again, she hadn’t meant to say it like that.

“Thank you,” Lena says slowly, “but I’m afraid there are still things you don’t know about me,” she adds thoughtfully.

“Oh? The more for me to discover, right?” Kara tries to joke, then swallows and reaches for the papers. “Everything I could find in a short notice,” she gives Lena the information about spells.

Lena quickly swallows a mouthful and starts reading eagerly. “Thank you so much, Kara. It’s…I really can’t thank you enough,” she looks up, “you’re an angel and a true friend.” She sounds utterly serious and Kara’s left breathless for a short second.

“Glad I could help,” she finds an answer.

Lena avoids her eyes. “Oh, you forgot one,” she sees the paper about Helena’s information and has it in her hands before Kara could react.

“Damn it,” Kara swears under her breath and tries to read into Lena’s reaction. She squints her eyes, goes paler and locks her eyes with Kara, clearly demanding an answer. Why can’t earth swallow people when they need it the most?

“Sorry,” she hears her own voice coming out as a whisper, “I…I guess I was worried about you and I couldn’t find her name and it seemed suspicious so I, umm, did a little digging. I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you first,” she pleads with Lena to understand.

Lena nods sharply and reads through the article.

“You, umm, you don’t seem surprised?” damn it! Why can’t she just shut up?

Lena looks back up at her, rubs her arms and swallows. “No. No, I suppose I’m not.”

“I don’t understand, you’re not surprised, but you were friends with her? She’s killed people!”

Lena swallows and avoids her eyes. “That’s not her anymore,” her voice comes out weak and resigned. “her fiancée was killed and she wanted revenge, but that was a while ago. She hasn’t been that person for a long time now.” Lena sounds hollow as she talks about Helena. “She was there when I needed someone and no matter what you might think, she has a kind heart. We’re connected, I can’t betray her now. I should, I should,” Lena seems to search for something, her voice still steady, but her eyes are glistening.

“Lena,” Kara grabs onto her hand and squeezes it.

Lena stills. “I don’t deserve you, Kara,” her voice is so small and she makes a movement to leave, but Kara holds on and slides her arms around her. “If you think she’s bad, Kara, I, I have done things you couldn’t even imagine. You shouldn’t be comforting me,” Lena swallows.     

Kara only tightens her embrace. “Whatever it is, we’ll talk it through. Lena, Lena, please don’t run from me.” She squeezes her shoulders and arms and back, scared that if she lets go now, she’ll never see Lena ever again.

“Kara, you shouldn’t…” Lena is still not moving, stone cold in her arms.

“No! No, I won’t let you go, I only found you, so don’t even say it, okay? We’ll talk it through, I promise, I can’t lose you, you hear me?” she covers Lena’s head with her own and pulls her even closer. Finally, Lena relaxes next to her body and starts shaking. Her arms find their way to rest on Kara’s back and she leans in, breathing deep and resting her head on Kara’s shoulder. “I love you, Kara,” it’s so quiet she almost can’t hear it. But she does and she continues stroking Lena’s hair without saying a word.   

“I want to tell you everything, Kara,” Lena whispers as she’s calmer again.

“And I’ll be there to hear it, promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that took a quick turn :)


	13. Starting From the Beginning

 

Kara is absentmindedly sitting at her chair, playing with the Supergirl doll. Thankfully, Snapper’s been running around so much he hasn’t noticed her not doing any sort of work. Well, she did find some reference books for Lena, but that would be hard to explain away as research for an article. Breaking news – the young world-known CEO is moonlighting as a witch from Middle Ages? Well, it might be slightly interesting, but she could never reveal Lena’s name like that. Ten more minutes and she can leave without being yelled at. Lena promised to talk about everything. About Helena? She was breaking down earlier, Kara had never seen her that vulnerable. Not when someone threatened her life, not when she almost collapsed a few days ago. She was just so scared. Kara almost crushes the little doll and adjusts it back on the table. No touching fragile things, when not in control of emotions. Stupid feelings! Should’ve gone with Lena right away, but Lena had some business meeting or whatever. How was she able to do that after … by putting that steel face on, where nothing could break through? How many times has she done that over the years? With no one supporting her, except apparently Helena Bertinelli. Stupid Helena! Apparently staying at Lena’s, when she has to ask her to not be there when Kara arrives. Ugh.

She grabs her things, waves a goodbye and runs before anyone could stop her. There’s still a bit time and she rushes through library, getting one of the books, the others are not allowed to be checked out. She’s at Lena’s place in no time and parks her bike by the back door. It opens before she can compose herself enough for knocking and Lena is right there. Ghost of a smile appearing on her lips, her hair loose, wearing a short grey sweater-dress with bare shoulders and slippers? That are shiny green and look like crocodiles?

“Hi! Oh,” Lena follows her eyes and shifts her feet, “they’re…umm, they’re a gift.”

Kara looks up. “From Helena?” Now why did she have to say that? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Lena’s face falls right away. “No. A class mate, Secret Santa. I’d forgotten them while moving and just found them again. I… would you like to come in?” she rubs her arms and steps away from the door.

“Right, yes, sorry! I didn’t mean anything, I, I like them,” Kara finally manages a smile, “and hi! It’s good to see you again,” she grabs the book, hugs it closer and takes the two steps to the door. Oh. Lena is shorter than her. She’s usually wearing high heels and Kara isn’t and it’s not much, but it’s something she hasn’t noticed before and she almost runs into Lena.

“Would you like a drink?” Lena messes with her hair.

“A soda?” Kara asks back, not sure what her answer should be.

“A soda?” Lena turns and meets her eyes.

“Is that not okay? Am I weird? Lena!” Lena laughs and shakes her head. “What? Don’t laugh at me!” It’s embarrassing, but she can feel corners of her own mouth rising. She likes smiles, she like laughter even more.

“I’m sorry,” Lena reaches out and squeezes her elbow, “I wasn’t laughing at you. I mean, I was, but I swear you didn’t do anything wrong. Just when I offered a drink,  I did think more of something with alcohol. I’m not sure I can finish this talk without a glass and in that case I’d rather not be the only one drinking. But really, it’s okay, I think I have Coke and there’s lemon tonic if you’d like. Or I could make us some coffee,” Lena is suddenly overly serious and almost rambling as if… as if she was nervous. Which she clearly is and Kara curses herself for not noticing right away.

“No, Coke will be fine, thank you,” she smiles, hopefully calming Lena a bit.

“Right, I, you can go upstairs to the living room, I’ll be right there,” Lena turns and moves to get the drinks.

Living room. Right. It’s filled with light, there’s still time to sunset. Like the last time, it still feels so empty, full of pastel colors, no photos. There’s a lot of flowers though. Like in Lena’s office. The orchids and plumerias and rosebuds. She sets the book on the table, next to the familiar silver necklace, toes off her shoes and takes a seat on the couch.

“There we go, two cokes coming up!” Lena enters and shuts the door with her hip.

“You’re not drinking?” Kara asks as she palms her glass.

“No, I, I guess I’ll save that for later,” Lena sits by her right side puts down her glass and turns to face Kara.

She’s just about to say something, when Kara panics: “I got you book!” she says too loudly. She squeezes her eyes and when she opens them Lena’s looking at the table.

“You didn’t have to, Kara,” her voice is soft and quiet.

“I, uh, I couldn’t concentrate on work and so I just, I found a few reference books, there’s a list, I could only borrow this one.”

Lena slides her fingers on the leather cover. “Thank you, I, it’s more important than you might think.” She lifts her head and finds Kara’s eyes again, her hand massaging her throat. She takes a sip from her glass and presses her lips into a thin line.

Kara reaches out without thinking and her left hand. “Whatever it is, you can tell me,” she whispers, Lena’s fear finding a way to her own heart.

“Have you ever, no, do you believe in supernatural?”

“Huh?” the question catches her off guard.

“I don’t mean aliens or science fiction, I mean magic, past lives, supernatural beings like witches and vampires.”

“Huh?” Very freaking intelligible, Kara! But she can’t find anything else to say.

Lena lets go of her hand and cups her glass instead. “Sorry, I should start from the beginning.”

“I mean, I know there’s impossible things in this world. Alternative universes and resurrections,” Kara finally finds her voice at the loss and she wants to grab Lena’s hand again, but it doesn’t seem right at the moment.

“I met Helena the night Lex was arrested. She was, she was someone that helped me a lot that time. I didn’t trust her at first, but her past… it honestly is in the past,” Lena searches her eyes, trying to be convincing, no doubt. “She was as lost as I was, not knowing what to do with her life. And we grew close.”

“Close as in,” Kara swallows, “friends?”

“In a way. We were friends, I’d like to think we still are, but…” Lena takes another gulp of drink.

“Were you more than friends?” Kara asks with a loud thump of her heart.

Lena lets out a bitter laugh and shakes her head. “I do believe I was in love with her, if that answers you question.”

“You, uh, were?” Kara didn’t know her voice could ever be this high. “As in, umm, you’re not anymore?” she asks with a hope. Where did that hope come from? Why?

“I don’t think so, no,” Lena fingers the necklace, “she’s very important to me, Kara,” she looks at Kara, tears glistening in her eyes, “she used to be my light. The good in a life full of evil.” Kara frowns at that, Lena’s fingers are touching the letters on the book cover.

“There’s, Lena, there isn’t evil in you, where are you going with this?” she asks.

“The beginning of the story,” Lena leans on the back of the couch. “You sure you don’t want that drink?” she smiles at Kara, her smile the fakest thing Kara has ever seen.

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” she says without knowing if it’s true and puts her arm over Lena’s shoulders. She can feel Lena laughing, but it’s not a warm laughter.

“So, what happened next?” she presses out, not being sure if she wants to know. She needs to though.

“I told her about my feelings, she ran, I came to National City.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” There’s silence for a moment. “And then she came to look for you?” it felt as if something was missing from the story.

Lena rubs her chest and breathes deeply three times in and out before letting out a big sigh. “Yes, but before that I started to remember.” There’s silence again, but Kara doesn’t dare to break it, she just looks at Lena. “Remember how I lost the sense of reality for a moment?”   

How could she not? She was so frightened there was something wrong with Lena…wait, was there? “Yeah? I remember,” she’s careful with her words.

“So did I. Remember, I mean. You, I believe you said a name, Lucy, it caused me to remember things.”

Oh. “What things?”

Lena takes a few deep breaths again. “Things I haven’t lived, but someone else has.”

“I don’t get it.” 

“No, of course not. Kara, I started to remember one of my past lives.”

She can hear her heart running, she can hear Lena’s heart running even faster.

“And ever since I’ve remembered even more and Helena’s been there every time, in my past lives.”

Past lives? So, she wasn’t kidding earlier? What?

“Turns out once, a long time ago, we were lovers and in order to not be separated, I, Morgana, that’ who I used to be, she cast a spell so we’d never forget and we could always be together. Kara, I wasn’t a good person.” Lena finishes her story on the verge of crying.

“Wow,” is the only thing Kara can say, so she says it again, “wow. That’s something. I, I don’t know what to say.” And she doesn’t. So, she rests her head on Lena’s shoulder instead and closes her eyes. The only thing she still knows is that Lena is telling the truth.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: continuation with Lena!


	14. I Believe

 

Lena lets herself feel Kara’s heaviness and warmth against her body and relaxes a bit. This could’ve gone so much worse.

“So, you believe me then?” she dares to ask, still not looking towards her friend.

“I…I know you wouldn’t lie,” Kara snakes her hand around her waist, her mouth moving almost against Lena’s skin, “so I guess, yeah, I believe you.”

“You really are a weird one, Kara Danvers.” For a moment, she doesn’t know how to continue, she only prepared herself to get the first unbelievable words out. “It is exhausting, you know,” she whispers and feels tears stinging her eyes, “for Helena, I think it happened slower. The memories. It’s only been a few days for me and … I can’t say I remember everything, but I know bits and pieces from every lifetime.”

Kara pulls her closer and she automatically swings her arm around Kara’s shoulders. Kara pulls her feet  on the couch and looks at her, her fingers following the lines on Lena’s face. “Who was Lucy?” she stops after a w while and curls herself back against Lena’s shoulder.

“She lived in London in 19th century, loved pretty things. Fell in love with her best friend, who happened to be a woman.” She says easily, without thinking.

“That must’ve been hard. Especially that time. And, uh, the friend, that was Helena?”

“Her name was Mina. She didn’t feel the same. Or at least that’s how I remember it.”

Kara moves a little before talking. “Lucy told her?”

“Yes. And then, well, that’s when thing go really unbelievable.” She remains silent, not finding the right words. Kara kisses her temple. “Tell me,” she whispers.

“Lucy was turned into a vampire. Killed her mother, killed I don’t know how many people before Mina put her out of her misery. It’s a really fun story, isn’t it?” she forces out a fake laugh, gets up and pours a little vodka in her glass and curses she didn’t bring cola upstairs. “You sure you don’t want some?” she asks after taking a tiny sip and sinking back to her seat.

“I might, but it wouldn’t do anything for me. So, that was Lucy? You mentioned another name earlier, the one who started it?”

Morgana. She hadn’t talked about her with Helena, it was still so fresh even to her. But feeling the Kara’s support makes her think maybe she should talk about her as well.

“Morgana. She was a witch, with real magic, can you believe? She could conjure fire from her fingertips. Kara, I swear, she always wanted the best and … she and Ilona, they were together, very much in love. And then, well, they got separated, Ilona was to marry someone. There’s a story connecting to Lucy, but that’s for another time. So, Morgana used a spell for them always to remember and find each other. I guess that’s how the memories are still there.” She takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She already said it to Kara, didn’t she?

“And what, what happened to her?” Kara even sounds careful, like she’s walking on egg shells. Is she really that fragile?

Lena shakes her head and rubs her chest. “She… Ilona was killed apart from her, burned like a witch. She wasn’t. Morgana, she decided to make magic legal, to stop that kind of witch-hunts, but she…she went too far. She hurt people, she killed people. Kara, she killed good people, people she used to care about.”

Kara grabs her in a hug before she could even start crying. “That wasn’t you, she was not the same as you. Lena, you’re the best and kindest person I’ve ever known.”

Kara tries to be soothing, but the words are even more devastating. “So was she. At least that’s how Ilona saw her. She was good and fierce and she had so much courage, but then it was like she was the exact opposite of who she used to be. What if that happens to me? Kara, she, she was good and then it was almost as if she was evil and so empty and cold and I, how could I ever fix what she did? I, I just,” she can’t talk anymore, tears hitching her voice and clouding her eyes and she hides herself in Kara’s hair.

“I won’t let that happen and you, you won’t let that happen. Even if you were the same, you’d never repeat your mistakes. I know you,” Kara squeezes her even closer, almost painfully, “you are so wonderful and strong, Lena, look at me,” she pulls away. Lena immediately wants to chase the touch, but Kara grabs her hands and repeats: “Look at me.”  

So, she does. Kara isn’t wearing her glasses anymore, her eyes wet as well, but also so shiny and warm. “You’re a good person and I’ll do anything to help you, I’ll always believe in you.” She hesitates, almost continuing, but then touches their foreheads together.

“Will you believe in yourself?” she whispers, but all Lena can see are her eyes. She nods. They stay like that for a second, a minute, an hour, she doesn’t know anymore. Breathing the same air, drowning in each other’s eyes, almost brushing their lips together. And Lena can’t think about kissing her, not now, it would be too much, she shouldn’t. Before she could decide either way Kara jumps away for a second and then the hug is back. Just as well, it’s not the time, not the right time.

“So, you have knowledge of centuries of history, huh?” Kara finally asks and Lena lets out a huff of laughter.

“Not so much, it’s more personal than the history books.”

“History books have nothing on you, they don’t even know magic is real.”

Lena laughs again. It’s mixed with hiccups and strained, but it’s still a laughter and she feels lighter. She pulls back a little, trying to dry the tears and lets the couch swallow her.

Kara peeks at her and then puts her glasses back on.

“Don’t you always need the glasses? I haven’t seen you without them before.”

Kara shrugs and pulls her feet under her. “I don’t, I don’t really need them at all. It’s, it’s a story for another time, promise. So, the witchcraft books?” Lena lets her change the topic.

“I was thinking of finding something to stop it all.”

“The spell? You don’t want to remember? Wouldn’t, wouldn’t that feel like something is missing?”

“I, no, I just want it to stop. The connection, the past lives, to know we’re not binded by something that isn’t in our power. I don’t mind remembering, I just need to know that we’re not forced into anything and that in another lifetime the choices will all be ours. If there is going to be another one, I mean. To break the connection, it’s been going on for too long, I want to find something new in my life.” She smiles at Kara, hoping that something new could be with her, and bites her lip.

Kara drops her eyes bashfully and reaches for the book instead. “Okay, then this might be a start. It lists the ingredients for powerful spells, more like the basis. There were two old ones that seemed more practical, but they’re really old and we’d have to go to the library to study them. But, you, you think you might still have magic? Or?”

Lena laughs. “No! I don’t think so, but perhaps there’s some energy, substance in my science department that could work the same way. You, you really believe me?” she has to ask again.

“Lena, there are aliens flying through the city, there are vanishing cats, people filled with electricity and Cat Grant does have emotions, remembering your past lives isn’t too crazy for me. Yes, I believe you. Now, where do you wanna start?”

“Thank you, Kara,” Lena strokes her knee and gulps her forgotten drink. “Do you want more? I should bring the soda upstairs.”

“I can do that for you.” Lena whips her head up to see Helena leaning on the door frame. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb, I just, I’ll leave you. I thought you were done, sorry, I’ll get the drinks and then I’m gone,” she starts turning away.

“Helena!” Kara calls out to her before she could leave. “It’s, uh, nice to meet you I guess,” she says with a half smile. Lena knows she’s doing it for her, but it’s still nice of her.

“Yes,” Helena steps closer, “Kara Danvers. We have already met though. You,” her eyes travel from Kara to Lena and back again, “you mean a lot to Lena. I, I’ll leave you now,” she turns and walks out.

“Don’t,” Lena starts to say, “I mean, don’t disappear,” suddenly she’s afraid that Helena might leave the city for good.

Helena looks back. “Oh. I, no,” she comes to a decision and Lena feels relief. “I’ll come back tomorrow, we, I guess we can talk then,” she nods and leaves. The front door closes.

“She stays here?” Kara asks.

“Yes, I asked her to. I guess we have a lot to sort out. I, I’m sorry, she was supposed to be out.”

“No, that’s okay. I mean, you don’t have to put your life on hold just to talk to me,” Kara laughs, but Lena can feel she’s tense.

She reaches out to massage her neck. “We’re just trying to build a new kind of relationship, get rid of the past. At least I know I am. She, I don’t think she has anyone else to turn to.”

Kara nods and relaxes. “Mmm, that feels good. How about that drink though?” she groans and Lena gets up.

“Coming right away,” she looks back, “you don’t need to be anywhere, do you?”

“Nope, not tonight,” Kara smiles and opens the book.

“Alright, good, I, I’ll be right back,” she slips down the stairs.

“Thank you!” Kara calls after her and Lena can’t help but smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long! i had a crazy busy week, which i knew beforehand and should've warned you about, but hey! it's here now. :)  
> and hey, we're getting closer to the end, aren't we?


	15. Spruce Tip Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter became an unexpected roller coaster for me, but i guess that's Kara for you ;)

 

The moment Lena is out of sight Kara groans loudly and crashes her face against her hands. This is not what she thought she would hear. Perhaps some story about Helena and Lena being secretly married, wait, where did that thought come from? So, past lives? And they share it every time, like freaking destiny, except it’s not, cause it was made to happen by magic.

She fishes out her phone and sends a brief message to Alex, saying she won’t come to D.E.O. and hopes there won’t be a huge disaster happening. The last thing Lena needs right now is the revelation of Supergirl and she would be absolutely unable to lie about it right now. No, they need to find the right spell and when all that’s done, then she’s gonna tell her. Yep, tell her all about Supergirl.

“Kara! Could you help me for a second?” Lena’s voice carries from downstairs.

“I’ll be right there!” she shouts back before speeding down. Damn it, a little slower, just a little slower.

“Oh, hi, you’re here! Could you take the cups, I decided for some tea instead.”

“This herbal?” she peeks before placing two mugs on top of each other.

“Yes, but I swear it doesn’t taste awful. Made it with some spruce tip syrup, it tastes divine. You’re not allergic, are you, I remember you saying once you don’t have any allergies.”

“What? No! Just, umm, spruce tips? How did you come up with that?”

“Oh, I used to collect some as a kid,” Lena opens and closes a drawer, “with my mother, that is, made cookies with them. And tea. I found a little online shop that sells syrup when I moved here. The taste isn’t as good as I remembered, but what could be as good as a childhood dream? I made some coffee too, just in case, but I really think you should give it a try. You’ll never know what it tastes like unless you try it out,” Lena’s lips turn into a smirk and it must be that Kara is imagining that tip of pink tongue giving them a quick lick. Right, what would it feel like…taste…oh, right, she drags her eyes back to the mugs.

“Yeah, sure, sounds good, yeah.”

“Oh, will you grab the coffee too, there’s a tray on the shelf,” she points and starts walking back.

Kara struggles to find it and grabs from the handles like they could keep her from drowning. She turns just to see Lena going up from the stairs, her feet hidden in slippers, her calves balancing the steps and yeah, she should really look somewhere else other than Lena’s full ass cheeks, perhaps not her bare shoulders either. It must be the smell of tea messing with her head. Yep, that’s it, nothing else.

“Sorry, did you want something to eat? It did slip my mind,” Lena half turns herself, setting down her tray and biting her lip. Why does she keep doing that? Kara almost mimics the movement before realizing she should say something.

“No, no I’m good.”

“Really? Kara Danvers saying no to food, that must be a first?” Lena lifts her eyebrow and relax back on the couch. “Well, lucky for you, I do have some snacks here if you should change your mind.”

Right. Kara sits back beside her, coffee and mugs finding their place on the little table. Lena reaches over her to take the mugs and starts pouring tea.

“So, your mother? You haven’t mentioned her before. I assume you didn’t mean Lilian, it’s hard to imagine her making cookies.”

“No, I, my birth mother wasn’t perhaps the most respected, but as far as I know she was nice enough. I must admit I don’t remember much about her and no one was really allowed to talk about her,” her voice drifts away before coming back with a change of topic, “you want honey or sugar in your tea?”

“Oh, I, I’ll just taste and then decide,” she grabs the cup and lifts it on her mouth, blowing a little on the water to cool it down. More from a muscle memorized reflex than of need. Lena’s eyes fixate on her lips for a second. Or did she imagine that?

“I like the smell, smells a bit like Christmas.” What an insightful remark, Kara, of course it smells like a Christmas tree!

Lena nods and takes her own cup. “Yes. Might be one of the reasons I like it so much. The other is the taste of resin. Clears the mind and lungs,” she swallows and relaxes on the back of the couch.

Kara rushes to take a sip. “Ooh!” she lets out a noise of surprise. “It’s…yeah, I love it. Are you sure this is legal?”

Lena laughs a little. It’s nice to hear after the intense evening they’ve had. “Yes, I’m sure it’s legal, at least so far. I wouldn’t use it too much though, just in case,” she winks, takes another gulp and lets out a content sigh.

Kara smiles and leans back as well.

“Hi there,” Lena looks at her so long that Kara can feel a blush creeping around.

“Hi yourself,” she answers and tries to memorize every spark in Lena’s eyes. She doesn’t dare to say anything else, not wanting to ruin the moment. So beautiful. There’s some tired shadows under Lena’s eyes, but even those are fascinating. Not to mention the way her lips are tasting the drink and the ways she looks back, eyes dark, almost dangerous. And Kara has to rip her gaze away. It’s too much, too overwhelming, for the both of them, right? She feels Lena tensing a bit before relaxing again and curses herself. “So, you doing better?” she forces out, sounding too hollow.

“Thanks to you,” Lena doesn’t sound right either, “I, we should start with the research.” She sits straight and brushes the necklace before lifting the book in her lap.

“What’s the story with the necklace?” she asks before she could stop herself.

“It was used in the spell,” Lena answers as she turns a page.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, it’s like everything they just shared doesn’t have a meaning anymore.

“Kara? Sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off,” Lena suddenly looks back up at her. Oh.

“No, it’s okay, that’s what I’m here for, right?” she places the tea next to her and cracks her finger.

“You’re here because you make me feel better. I hope I’m not using you too much, you are my favorite.”

Oh. Right. “I know, I was just joking, show me,” she gestures to the book and Lena shoves it towards her.

“Your tea!” Lena notices it almost spilling, but Kara is quick enough to save it and hoards the mug back in her lap.

 “I was sure it’s going to spill, you are very quick,” Lena eyes her searchingly.

“I’m not gonna argue with that, I really am,” she touches her glasses, almost taking them off and saying she’s Supergirl. It’s not as if it would change anything between them, right? Lena would still see her the same way and she would understand the hiding, she really would, there is no reason to wait, she can do it, she can do it. She takes her glasses off again, second time this night and meets Lena’s eyes, words already on her lips, when Lena suddenly squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. “Fuck,” she presses out. Kara shoots up, cleans the cups and the book and kneels back beside her.

“Kara, you still here?” there’s a hint of panic in her voice.

“Yeah, I’m here, I’m right here. What’s, is it a memory?” she’s trying to sound calm and strong, rubbing Lena’s hands.

“Yes. Could you keep talking to me, I don’t, I don’t want to lose reality.”

“Okay, yes, I can talk. See, this, is me talking and you just need to breathe, right. In and out, together, right?”

There’s a smile at the corner of Lena’s mouth and she calms visibly after breathing slower.

“Do you, do you want to tell me what’s happening?”

“It’s a lovely memory, I’m in a Dark Tower and there’s no one there. No one to come, no one to care, no one, only Morgouse. Kara, you’re still here? Please be still here.”

“Lena! I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere and you are not alone, you are right here with me, you hear me?” she doesn’t watch where her hands are touching, desperate to feel Lena right here, to get her back here, to the smell of Christmas tree and to Kara.

“Fuck, it hasn’t gotten this intense quite a while. Thought I had it out of my system after the dreams, I guess there was still some leftover.” Lena swallows and opens her eyes. “Hi again, Kara. Sorry I worried you.” She tries to smile, her fingers finding their way to caress Kara’s hair.

“Lena, hi, yeah, don’t scare me like that.” She stares right at Lena. What if she’d been lost? What if she’d opened her eyes and not recognized Kara? What if she’d never look so softly at her again? No. She surges forward without thinking about anything else but here and now and Lena, not even knowing what she’s doing before her lips are on Lena’s. “Hi,” Lena mouths against her, pulls Kara even closer and then they are kissing. It feels sweet and soft and fresh like a forest at spring. Only lips, no tongues, no rushing, only breathing each other, knowing each other, being there.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo, that's how it turned out, let me know your thoughts, i'd love to hear from you! :)


	16. Too Tired to Lie

 

Kara pulls back after a while. “Sorry, I, um, I don’t really know why I did that,” she blushes more fiercely than Lena has seen before, “it kind of just, happened? I guess? Oh gods,” her hand lands on her opened mouth and she looks almost mortified.

“Kara, you haven’t done anything wrong, at least not in my book,” Lena frowns and reaches out to touch, but changes her mind at the last second. “How… Kara, I,” she starts without really knowing what to say, “I’m, I’m the one who made it into something, I, you were trying to comfort me and I’m afraid I reacted on an impulse,” she tries to convince Kara or herself, “it, it doesn’t have to mean anything,” she swallows her words with a bitter taste. For a brief moment she thought that maybe she could have it, maybe she could find love with Kara. She blinks rapidly to keep tears from showing up again, she couldn’t handle Kara rejecting her, not now.

“Umm, okay,” Kara looks doubtful, playing with her hair, now that she’s not wearing her glasses. “It’s just… do you want it to not mean anything..?” her voice rises and fades at the end, almost shaking.

Lena squeezes her eyes so hard she can see stars and finds herself shaking her head. It’s a lot for one evening. Too much? Yes, too much and she suddenly feels how very tired she is, all the energy just draining out of her body. She doesn’t have the strength to lie. “No,” she whispers, but keeps her eyes still closed, “but I also want to be your friend. I can’t lose you,” she opens her eyes with a deep sigh.

“And you’re not going to. You’re not gonna lose me, Lena, I… I don’t know what I’m feeling and I acted on a reflex as well. I just, for a moment I thought I crossed a line. Please tell me if I did, cause I can’t lose you either, you know?” she shoves Lena lightly in her side and nervously bites her lip, her eyes still a bit fearful, but also hopeful.

“So, I guess neither of us went too far..?” Lena starts hesitantly. “You certainly didn’t, but, it’s like you said, I don’t, I don’t really know anything right now either. Well, I know I wouldn’t mind if… I just, I’m sorry, I’m just so tired, I guess it’s been too much.” She doesn’t even know what she’s saying and hopes it doesn’t scare Kara away.

“Yeah, no, I get it, it’s too much,” Kara laughs, still tense, “of course it’s too much. I was… I was actually gonna tell you something different, but I guess that’s too much as well. I mean I don’t any more, it’s, oh gods,” she briefly hides her face in her hands again and peeks up between her fingers. “I really like you, ugh, fuuuck,” she groans and leans on the back.

Lena smiles and pats her on the head. “I’m not a pet,” comes a muffled protest as Kara stuffs a pillow in Lena’s face. She doesn’t really sound offended though.

“I like you too,” Lena says quickly before adding, “we don’t have to talk about this right now.” There’s a lot of questions on the tip of her tongue, but she bites them back.

“Uh-huh, okay, just don’t go around thinking I don’t want something when I really kinda do. It’s just, I’ve never, you know, had a,” she gestures at Lena without finishing her statement.

“What? A Lena Luthor?” Lena tries to make it into a joke.

“No!” Kara shoves her, face flaming, a smile brightening it.

“A vampire? A witch? A spruce tip lover?” she lowers her voice with every guess, seeing how Kara finally bursts into laughter.

“No. No, a girlfriend. I’ve never had a girlfriend,” she admits when she’s a little calmer and hides her eyes.

“Okay,” Lena smiles, happy that she’d been able to make the mood a bit lighter. “That’s alright, have you ever thought about it?”

Kara sucks in her cheeks and chews her lips. “I don’t know,” she shakes her head. “I think I have, yeah, but how was I supposed to… I don’t even know how to be with guys, I don’t even know when they’re into me, how am I supposed to flirt with a girl? They’d just assume I like their dress or whatever.”

“Oh, I think you’re pretty natural, Kara Danvers,” Lena surprises herself with the flirty tone, it is so natural to be like that with Kara.

“Yeah? You’re not that bad yourself. What with the hooded eyes and rumbling voice and damn tank tops. You’ve been seducing me this whole time, haven’t you,” there’s no accusation in her tone, only amusement.

Lena shrugs. “I assure you it was not my intention.” She does mean it, although she can’t be sure how true it really is.

“See? Told you, a natural,” Kara winks and turns her own words against her.    
“Right.” Lena feels heat lurking to her face and suddenly the spell book is a lot more interesting than it was a few minutes ago. She turns the pages, determined not to look at Kara. But it’s silent and she can feel her eyes tracing her every movement. She cracks first and looks back. Kara’s eyes catch her immediately, full of warmth, but also dark and sparkly and it would be so easy to just forget about everything else besides the humming heat under her skin. “I know I always make fun of compliments, but you, would you even believe when I told you how wonderful you are?” Kara thinks out loud.

“I do. I merely don’t like to hear it, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I can get that, yeah, so,” Kara drags her gaze away, “finding something about memory spells, right?”

Lena clears her throat. “Yes. Or reincarnation really. Or perhaps even putting spells in objects,” she pushes the silver necklace aside. Probably the only thing making her calm had been the remnants of old magic inside it.

“Okay. So, how about you find anything that might be relevant and I’ll take notes, umm, I think I’ve got my notebook,” Kara stretches to her bag and almost falls over by doing so. Not bothering to move from her seat. In no time she’s ready, complete with the tip of her tongue between her teeth. Lena smiles and starts reading.

  
*

 

By the time they’re done with the book it’s past midnight. In the end they could only find four promising ingredient cocktails and one additional book to check out tomorrow. Or more like today, if the time is to be trusted.

“Ugh, will we meet at the library tomorrow?” Kara snuggles closer, her eyes closed and her voice clearly tired. “And no telling me I don’t have to, okay?” she curls against Lena and yawns.

“Kara, you do know I have an extra bed, right?” she twists her arm around Kara.

“Mkmm, wanna stay here,” comes a sleepy response somewhere around Lena’s chest.

She could try to lift her or wake her, but the couch is not uncomfortable. So, she slings their legs on it and grabs the blanket she’d brought about an hour ago. She toes off the slippers and relaxes next to Kara’s back, pulling the blanket on them.

“I like your slippers,” Kara mumbles through haze of sleep. Lena squeezes her closer and closes her own eyes. “Go to sleep.”

“I’m glad I came,” Kara reaches out for her hand and links their fingers.

Lena’s heart skips a beat. “Me too.” She leaves a light kiss on Kara’s ear.

“Tickles,” Kara giggles and shifts closer. And then she’s asleep.

A few minutes pass in the darkness, Kara’s breaths are slow and deep, when Lena remembers something. “What was it you wanted to  tell me before...?” she wanders more to herself than asks from Kara. She doesn’t want to wake her. Whatever it was, it can wait.

Kara’s rhythmic breathing almost drifts her to sleep, when suddenly there’s a mumbled and quiet answer waking her, more sleep talking than lucid: “that I’m Supergirl.”

Kara doesn’t wake up, she mumbles a few more unrecognizable words and falls back into sleep.

For a second Lena feels cold, but then she hugs Kara stronger, breathing in her warmth and lets sleep take over.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah! i'm sorry it took so long. had a few things to do AND for some reason this chapter was really hard to write.


	17. Now We Can Get To Work

 

There’s a stubborn ray of sunlight, that won’t let Kara alone even if she squeezes her eyes shut and grabs onto a blanket. Why is it so far? And why is she so uncomfortable?

“Kara,” there’s a voice, a woman’s voice. Not Kara’s, nope, she is not talking to herself in sleep.

“Kara,” now there are slim fingers on her forehead, brushing the strand of hair behind her ear. That’s nice, nice voice, pretty, pretty, so pretty… She snaps her eyes open and tries to sit up. “Lena!” She stayed at Lena’s place, right.

“Don’t get up, it’s early,” Lena smiles and leans on the table. In perfect clothes, with perfect make up. When did she do all that? She was barely wearing any last night!

“Wha..., why are you up?” Kara yawns and stretches her arms.

“Sorry, I need to go to work, I hope you don’t mind? You can stay as long as you like. Here are my keys, don’t worry, Jess has another set. And don’t worry about the alarm, I usually have it off anyway.”

“Umm, okay?” Kara goes to lift her glasses she’s not wearing. Oh. “I’ll see you in the evening? In the library?” she asks just in case she had hallucinated the whole story about past lives.

“Yes. Kara, do you,” Lena starts to say something, but then shakes her head and smiles in that loving way, so her eyes light up. “Have a nice day,” she shifts closer and kisses her quickly on the forehead before standing up. “Bye,” she leaves hastily, a hint of jasmine perfume lingering in the air.

“Bye!” Kara yells after her and waves before realizing there’s no one to see her waving, so she crashes back on the couch with a swear. Jeez, that had been, did they sleep on the same bed? They did. She groans and hides her face under the blanket. She had dozed off and Lena had stayed with her and, wait, wait, wait, they like each other?

“Aah, what am I going to do?” she flies the cover off her and stares up on the ceiling. First there’s the memory thing and Helena of course. Ugh, Lena trusts her, so Kara should too, right? Stupid Helena with her past lives and soul connections, still, she didn’t seem to hide anything. And Lena said she wasn’t in love with her or anything, right? Any more.

Kara tosses around and finally settles, hugging her knees and smiling to herself. She really really likes Lena and it goes both ways and they kissed and it was nice and it felt real and it felt so right. She lets out a happy squeal and almost calls Alex, before remembering it’s probably too early. And what if Lena changes her mind? No-no-no, she wouldn’t, they just need to sort everything out and are they girlfriends now? There’s too many questions! Are there always so many questions and loose ends when people fall in love? She slaps her mouth at that heartskipping thought. In love? Where did that come from? Kara’s never really been in love. Crushes are not love, right?

“Aah, this is so stupid!” she says out loud to the ceiling and gets up to find some coffee. It’s not like she’d be able to fall asleep again. And then there’s Supergirl! If they could only find a way for breaking that old spell, she could move on to that whole conversation. “Lena, I’ve been hiding something from you, Lena, you know I trust you, I just, no,” she tries to find a proper wording for saying. Maybe she could do it as Supergirl instead. “Miss Luthor, Lena, my companion against fighting crime…what the hell? I can’t say it like that.” She chews her lip and hops down the stairs to the kitchen. What if she’d just take off her glasses and look Lena deep in the eyes? Deep in her green and sparkling eyes, spellbound and intimate and so heartbreakingly gorgeous… Yes, seems like that wouldn’t work either.

She finds still fresh coffee and pours it in her yesterday’s mug that Lena must’ve washed already.

 _“That I’m Supergirl,”_ a memory suddenly appears. No, that was a dream, right? It must’ve been. It’s not like she revealed her big secret by sleep talking it out. Pfft, not possible. Lena would’ve said something, she wouldn’t just pretend it didn’t happen? Unless she thought that’s what Kara would’ve wanted...? Naah, she’d remember it, there is no way it happened like that. Kara shakes her head and starts to hum a song she once heard. _“Raga-dum-dum-ta-daa-ta-da-ta-da-dumm,”_ she moves to the imagined beat and crunches the salted peanuts she finds. The dance moves come naturally as she sends a message to Winn saying there’s no reason to worry about Helena. _“My heart’s beating like a jungle drummm…”_ Yeah, she should really leave before she accidentally breaks something, like the plumeria pot she was throwing in the air a second ago.

She flops back on the couch. Damn, Lena has some good coffee, probably the real expensive type… She plays Lena’s keys and sighs. They can work it all out, right? And Alex will be fine with it, right? She was careful about Lena in the beginning, but she did suggest to invite her to the movie night, right? No need to doubt about anything, no, this is going to be a happy day. Through and through.

 

It is not a good day through and through. Snapper is on her case, wanting a new interview with Lena Luthor, apparently she sells. Kara barely manages not to show her tongue to the man. It’s not like Lena would say no to her, but she deserves a little time away from the public eye. Public eye, huh? If Lena were to date a girl, openly, would that be a problem? Not to Lena, but what about her company? She would say that everyone hates her anyway, but it’s still something they’d have to discuss at some point. Wait, they’re not even officially together or anything…

“Kara! Your phone is ringing,” James suddenly laughs in her face and takes a seat across from her, clearly waiting to see something hilarious.

“Huh? Oh, thanks. Hey, Alex!”

_“Kara! You don’t call, you don’t write, you take the evening off, one might think you’re dead or kidnapped. Please don’t say you’re kidnapped!”_

“No, I’m not kidnapped,” Kara shoves James in the arm when he barks out a laugh at that, “I just needed a bit of personal time,” she sighs of relief, when James gets back up and leaves, mouthing something about girl talk.

_“Personal time? Is that a code word for James? I thought I heard him in the background.”_

“No! I mean, yeah, he was just here, but no, not because of him.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line and Kara is not too keen to break it.

_“Buuut, it is about someone? It sounds like it’s about a certain someone.”_

“Aaah, I can’t really say too much right now, but, yeah, yeah, it is.”

_“Oh. Well, congrats little sis, it’s, right, I’m not gonna say anything more.”_

“It’s Lena,” Kara blurts out before she could stop herself. “I mean, I don’t really, I, I can’t really talk about it right now, but, yeah, Lena. It’s not, she just, I don’t know… Anyway, I’m helping her out with something, so I needed personal time.”

 _“Helping her out, huh? Interesting. Okay, I’ll call you when we need you, but go have fun!”_ the teasing tone in her voice eases Kara’s mind.

“It’s not like that! I mean,” she tries to explain, but is cut off by Alex.

 _“I’m sure, Kara, it’s not like that at all,”_ she jokes before turning serious, _“don’t forget to invite her to the movie night, so we can all see what your precious Lena is all about. She’s not bad, for a Luthor, but is she good enough? We’ll see!”_

She’s cut off before Kara could say anything back to the evil laughter coming from her sister. Ugh. Like everything wasn’t complicated already.

 

She’s been studying a spell book for about half an hour (trying to speed it up, but failing, not wanting to damage the old paper), when she smells a familiar perfume. The jasmine from the morning.

A bottle of water lands on the table in front of her and Lena takes a seat.

“Hi, stranger, you thirsty?”

“Hey, Lena. Yeah, thanks. How was work?” she whispers back and bumps her shoulder against Lena.

“Not bad. So, you found anything?” her lipstick has faded a little, not as bright as in the morning. Still perfect though.

“Mmmm, yeah, yeah. Wrote down one promising hex, but that’s about it.”

“Oh. All right,” Lena reaches for the second book and opens it, “the more we find, the more chances of getting it right.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she should turn back to her task, but there’s just something, “hey, umm,” she searches words.

Lena looks up. “Kara?”

“Nothing, just,” she glances around them and quickly plants a kiss on Lena’s cheek. “Now we can get to work.”

Lena blushes a little, but smiles and nods, looking a lot happier than she did a minute ago.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two weeks! i know-i know-i know. i have no excuses, i was just lazy and flailing about gotham and supernatural spoilers from sdcc.  
> eeeh, sorry! *hides like Kara*  
> anyways, next up: a mix of Helena and Lena perhaps, we're so close to the end here and they really need to talk  
> oh, and in case you haven't heard the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ9vkd7Rp-g


	18. Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i'm still alive and finally! here's another chapter.

 

Every now and again Lena glances at Kara. The way her hair falls, the way she’s decided not to wear the glasses, but every time someone passes their table she instinctively grabs for them. Supergirl. Of course, it makes perfect sense, not only because of how similar they look or the incredible coincidences that have happened. But also for Lena to care about them both. And Supergirl coming to check on her, see if she’s alright. Adorable. She had meant to tell Kara she knows in the morning, but perhaps Kara hadn’t meant to tell her? It’s not like they haven’t got any worries to smooth through already. And it’s a little funny to see Kara trying to hide it. Just a tiny bit. She’s not hiding it very well, especially when she’s alone with Lena…

She didn’t know how to greet Kara earlier or what their relationship was. So, she’d even skipped their usual hug and Kara taking the lead had surprised her. In a good way. It’s always in a good way with Kara so far. So many positive surprises. Supergirl. How difficult must it be? To hide from everyone, to risk her own life to help others. Lena feels a sudden urge to touch her best friend (girlfriend?), but concentrates back on the work.

One thing at a time, that’s how she got through raising up with Lilian and that’s how she’s going to find a way to undo the past.

“Ooh-oh, I think I found something,” Kara nudges her, “it’s a hex to bind two souls together! Oh, no, it’s a love spell, not a spell for two, khm, lovers,” she sighs and rubs her eyes.

“I suppose that wouldn’t be helpful,” Lena brushes a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear.

“We’ll find something,” Kara nods fiercely and gets back to work, when Lena’s pone pings. “Yours?”

“Yes, I’ll just see who it is,” Lena starts to say as she notices the ID. Helena.

_I’m outside. Can we talk? Or can I join you?_

“It’s Helena,” she whispers.

Kara jolts up. “Ah, umm, okay?” her reaction drags out a little smile from Lena.

“She’s outside, I, is it alright, if I, if she joined us?”

“Well, I can’t say no,” Kara shrugs, but she remains a little tense.

“If you’d rather not,”

Kara interrupts her. “It’s okay, Lena, she’s part of this too, right? And as you said, she’s a good friend of yours. Or at least used to be?”

“I’ll just see what she wants to talk about first,” Lena nods and gets up.

“Yeah, go, go! I’m fine, I’ll just find what we’re looking for in the meantime,” Kara winks her right eye. In this weird way that doesn’t make her look adorable, but rather hot.

Lena wets her lips and turns, hitting a message to Helena. _On my way out._

Helena’s poised as always, standing by the door, a phone in her hands, triggering flashes of memories. Of Mina and Ilona and Helena herself. Holding herself like she did back in that evening in Central City, when Lex was arrested.

“Lena,” she notices her.

Lena gathers a breath and goes in for a hug. “Helena. Thank you for the space last night.”

“The least I could do, right? I gather you told her?” her eyes land on Lena’s.

“I, yes, I told her. She was very understanding.”

“Oh. I can imagine. She seems nice.”

“Yes, she is.” Lena smiles without thinking about it.

“Nice enough for you?”

“I’m sorry, what’s that supposed to mean?” Helena avoids her gaze for a second. “She has been here for me, I don’t, I can’t imagine anyone else _nice enough_ ,” Lena knows she sounds too icy, she knows she’s being too defensive, even attacking, but this is Kara they’re talking about.

“I suppose she is,” Helena looks at her again. “She’s not perfect though, she can never be perfect. I just hope you know that.”

“Know that no one is perfect? Yes, I do know that, have known my entire life.”

Helena lets out a huff of laughter. “Sorry. I just really don’t know how to do this. Honestly, when I came here I didn’t expect her. I didn’t expect you to be lonely and friendless,” she raises her hands in an apologetic way, “but she’s something else, isn’t she?” Helena grows quiet and the silence would be awkward if there weren’t other people around.

“You wanted to talk?” Lena decides to go on.

“Lena, you, you want to undo this?” Helena lowers her voice and leans on a wall. “The past. I, it’s, I want a new life, you know that, but, I don’t want to lose this connection. Do you? Do you want to pretend that what we’ve had never existed, to forget it all? I know the flashbacks can be rough, but sometimes the past is there for a reason, you know? And was it all that bad?”

Lena can’t hold back laughter at that. “You seem to have found some wisdom, why now all of a sudden? You didn’t care enough to stay before.”

Helena actually looks hurt and Lena curses herself. Fighting won’t do any of them good.

“You know that’s not fair. You have to know I’ve always cared. About you, in any lifetime.”

“And yet, you keep running.” Lena says it more to herself than Helena, trying to understand.

“Yes, and that’s why I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to run anymore. It always ends in disaster, I want to try staying. You know, there were people in Star City that tried to make me stay. I never told you, there were people who tried to help, but they also tried to change me. You’ve never done that. You never wanted me to be someone I’m not. And maybe I’m ready to change things on my own, for myself, but… Lena, I can’t do that if I don’t know who I am anymore,” Helena’s voice echoes pleadingly, eyes shining of unshed tears.

What is she trying to say? “What… what are you saying? Helena, I have to get back, I’m sorry, maybe you should leave.” Lena whispers, looking at the floor. She can’t really recognize her own voice, it doesn’t sound like hers. It doesn’t sound like something she would say. But she can’t, she can’t go back there every night.

“Okay, okay,” Helena grabs her hands, “okay.” They both close their eyes, or maybe it’s only Lena, she doesn’t know. “Okay. But please, don’t ask me to leave without an end, I’ll, I’ll help you, okay? We’ll find what you’re looking for, we’ll find a way to forget, but, Lena, look at me!” Lena opens her eyes to see the sea of grey. “Lena, promise me you’ll think this through once we get there. Promise you won’t cast any spell before you’re absolutely certain that’s what you want. Please.” Lena nods without saying a word and the hands let go of her.

It doesn’t sound like they’re finished talking, but maybe they never will? She coughs and swallows down the turmoil of unnamed feelings. “You, uh, Kara was okay with you helping, so,” she lets the invitation fade into air.

“Right. Yes. Thank you.”

She leads the way and hears Helena follow her after a second of hesitation.

*

Helena looks at Lena’s back stepping away from her, takes a breath to compose herself and follows her. She’d known it would be hard to convince Lena, but she hadn’t expected so much cold. She needs to regroup and think of another strategy. Or maybe Lena really wants to have nothing to do with her. It’s not as if she’s been the best of friends, in almost any lifetime really. Who could blame her? She shakes her head and slips through the door.

“Hey, you’re back,” Kara looks up, a pencil between her teeth, “oh,” she gets rid of it at the sight of a new companion, “Helena. I, uh, nice to see you,” she struggles to get out. Lies. She’s not a good liar.

“Kara,” Helena nods and takes the chair that Lena shoves in her direction when landing on a seat next to Kara, her hand sliding over Kara’s neck and shoulders on the way down. Neither of them seem to notice the little gesture, so in tune with each other. Kara covers Lena’s left hand with her own (Lena relaxes immediately) and glances a look up at Helena.  She would laugh at the little possessive movement if it didn’t hurt just a little. It could’ve been her, once it had been her. It’s not that she wants Lena, but she wants something like it. That wordless communication and warmth. Instead she takes a book to find a spell that would separate them, make them forget. Forget that there was a time she had that, forget how it feels to have someone to share your life with.

 

It only takes her two minutes to find it.

She ponders another twenty if she should just keep quiet and say that _Hexes, Runes and Witch Hunt_ doesn’t have anything useful in it.

But she shouldn’t, it would be like running and hiding all over again.

“Lena,” she says without looking up, “I found it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's sad i know, let me know you thoughts!


	19. Break The Spell

 

Everything is spinning around Kara and she’s not sure she could pay attention to every word Lena says, if she didn’t have her powers. They are at the L-Corp science department, just them, no one else. Lena had asked if she wanted to let someone else know and made sure she wanted to accompany them. Like she’d leave Lena alone in this moment. Well, not alone, Helena is there as well, not looking happy at all, changing looks with Lena all the time, as if trying to communicate silently. Lena keeps avoiding it though.

“Kara! The cord! I need you to hold it for a few seconds,” Lena’s voice cuts through her thoughts.

“I’m holding it, see? Maybe you should take a deep breath before biting my head off,” she snaps back and gets a freezing gaze in return.

“Lena, she’s right, you’re too frantic to be precise,” Helena weighs in.

“I know what I’m doing. Has either of you spent your whole life doing exactly this? Or has either of you ever been a sorceress? Didn’t think so.”

Eyes burning and movements quick and experienced she continues her preparations. Helena rolls her eyes and looks at Kara, now trying to talk to her. What is it with the silent talking?

 

“Lena!” Kara grabs her shoulder the moment she’s freed from her current task and searches her eyes and almost shouts at her. “You don’t want to make a mistake,” she lowers her voice after a moment and pleads.

“I…” Lena glances at Helena, then locking her eyes with Kara again, “I need it to stop. I have to make it right again.”

“Right? What have you to make right? Lena?” Helena steps closer, but Kara barely notices it. There’s so much hurt and guilt written on Lena’s face that without thinking she lets her go.

“I was the one who made it all happen, I was, it happened because of me. Helena, I know, I know I promised to think this through, but you need to understand I have to end what I started.” Lena’s not looking at anyone, her voice echoey, as if coming from far away. “I’m sorry,” she looks at Helena now, eyes empty, and all Kara wants to do is hug her close and never let her go. But she takes a step back and swallows instead. “You should, you should talk,” she gestures at Helena.

“We already did,” Lena answers quietly and turns back to what she was doing.

 

“Tell me this isn’t a mistake?” Kara whispers to Helena, who slides a hand over her face.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” they both watch Lena and talk in hushed voices. “I didn’t realize she blames herself this much. I tried, I thought it would be better to remember, you know? To remember what you’ve lost rather than never know you had it. I’ve wished to forget everything, even before the past lives came back.” She lets out a humorless laugh. “I wished I’d never lived at all, that I’d never been born. Everything I did turned out wrong, everyone I loved disappeared or turned on me and vengeance didn’t help that at all.” Helena coughs and looks at Kara. “I’ve never been a good person, but I’m not evil, Kara. And I wanted to remember her.” She grows silent. “She loves you,” she adds quietly after a while.

Kara glances at her, but Helena’s looking towards Lena again.

“If she can get free from that guilt, it’s not a mistake. I’m glad you have each other,” Helena doesn’t sound happy, but she does sound sincere.

“Umm, thanks? She, she’s incredible,” Kara can’t find her words. “Hey, you’re pretty wise. For a vigilante.” She adds without thinking.

“Oh? Well, believe me, it took far too long to get here. And it’s more like I’m good with words, between me and you. I hope I won’t lose it after the spell is done,” her voice turns hollow. “It seems she’s adamant she needs to do this though,” Helena smiles a little and shakes her head, “she takes time to know what she wants, but once she does…”

“No one could stop her,” Kara finishes for her.

 

“I’m almost ready. Kara, I want you to stay back so you wouldn’t get hurt in case the powers too much.” Lena announces from the other side of the room.

“I’ll be fine,” she assures her. She’s not Supergirl for nothing.

“Oh. Right, I suppose you are. Still, please be careful,” Lena finally looks at her again and her gaze fills Kara with warmth. Helena studies her for a second, but turns back to Lena. Right, still keeping the secret, right.

“Where do you want me?” Helena asks.

“With the necklace, like back then. You trust me?”

“Still do. Kara, if we don’t make it…well, nothing, I guess, it’s not like someone will miss me.” She shrugs and steps forward.

 

Don’t make it… the dread freezes Kara’s blood before she can react, but Lena comes closer and kisses her fiercely, melting the dread and desperate for more. Kara doesn’t move until Lena takes a breath and hugs her close, burying her face on Kara’s neck. “That’s a promise for more. And also, now you know how I’ll feel every time you fly to risk your life,” she whispers in Kara’s ear.

“Lena,” she tries to say something, but can only feel tears burning in her throat.

“Sshh, a promise, not a goodbye, Kara, a promise,” Lena squeezes her for a second before letting go and looking into her eyes. Kara nods, not able to say anything.

 

“Still certain about this?” Helena asks and Lena turns away, joining her by the little generator she adjusted.

“Yes.” She looks back to Kara, filled with determination and confidence.

 

Kara hugs herself, the fear slowly crawling back, but it’s too late now. Lena’s already saying the words, the silver necklace connecting the two, she places her hands on the power device and continues with the words. There’s silvery light coming from her hands, but nothing else happens. Lena repeats the spell, with more power in her voice, words more clear, eyes full of clarity and then her eyes turn golden, the words fall from her lips and the silvery light swirls around the both of them.

Cold chill and waves of warmth fill the room, creating something Kara’s never experienced before. Magic. Earth’s magic.

It disappears as quickly as it happened, the air still a little electrified. Lena and Helena remain in their pose, the necklace fallen on the floor and not shining as brightly anymore.

“Lena?” Kara whispers, not trusting her own voice. They let go of each other and Kara runs closer.

“It worked. It worked, but why… I know it worked,” Lena keeps saying, eyes glazed on her hands. “I could feel it, the, the words, the, it worked, the connection is broken, the spell is broken, but why, why isn’t it over?” she raises her head and looks at Helena.

“Lena, what’s the matter?” Kara can’t stop herself from grabbing onto her, rubbing her arms until Lena finally looks her in the eyes.

“It was real, so real, Kara, I could feel it burning through me, but why, I don’t understand why it’s still all there,” she continues to ramble on and Kara raises her brows to Helena.

“The memories, they’re still there,” Helena explains and stays still. “It only undid the future connection, not the past.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, it would be lovely to hear from you!  
> (and this will prob have 21 ch-s instead of 20, but we'll see :))


	20. Do Not Disappear

 

“It’s not how this was supposed to go, I don’t understand, did, did you feel it? Helena, I’m not going crazy, right? It did work?” Lena looks for support, trying to find an explanation.

“Yes, yes, Lena. And the spell was right, I’m sure of it.” Helena stays calm, glancing at both Kara and Lena.

“Hey, hey, why don’t we go and sit down? Try to make sense of it,” Kara’s words reach her scrambling thoughts and Lena nods. She notices Helena shoving the necklace in her pocket, but doesn’t say anything.

Kara still holds her hands while they walk to the other side of the room. She almost walks backwards and Lena would smile at her if she wasn’t so perplexed.

“So, it worked, right? The connection was broken, but memories are still there?” Kara frowns.

“Yes. I thought they’d be gone, I’m sorry,” Lena looks at both of her friends.

“Why are you sorry? That’s not your fault and it might not even be a bad thing,” Kara assures her.

“It was never your doing, at least not completely,” Helena weighs in and holds her eyes, “you didn’t know it would last this long. Morgana didn’t know it would last through lifetimes, did she?”

“No, no, I was, she was just trying to make it last, somehow. Grasping at happiness,” Lena thinks back to that time. It’s not as overwhelming as it had been before, she doesn’t fall into the memory-fog anymore. It’s more like she knows what happened, she knows the feelings that led to that moment, but she doesn’t experience them again. They’re just memories. Clear and touchable, nothing is missing, it’s all there. There’s moments of sadness and happiness and anger and passion, but she doesn’t need to live it through the second time in order to remember.

“They don’t hurt as much anymore, do they?” Helena seems to read her mind.

“No. And nothing is out of reach. I, I never knew it could feel somewhat peaceful? It’s still a little terrible, but that’s life for you.”

“This could be a good thing, right?” leave it to Kara to find positive in everything. “I know you wanted to forget, but perhaps it’s, it’s not that bad to know what happened.”

Lena watches her for a long time, so long that Kara shifts nervously and Helena’s about to say something. “You would be okay with it?” she finally asks her.

“What? Who? Me? Why, why would I not be okay with it? Lena, is that why you were so desperate to do it? Why would I…No! That’s, whatever it is, it’s a part of who you are, but you’re still you! Lena Luthor, trying to prove herself and make the world better one step at a time. The Lena I came to care about,” her fierce speech turns soft and gentle and hushed and Lena can feel herself melting. “All that matters is that _you_  would be alright with it.”

“And in another life we won’t have to go through this again,” Helena weighs in, “as far as right now, well, I suppose there’s no surprise memory attacks anymore,” she plays with the neckless. It looks so dark and dull, now that the magic is gone. “You should have it back. It’s always been yours after all,” her grey eyes are full of sadness, as if reminiscing the old times. Lena reaches out and caresses the chain along with Helena’s fingers and then bends them around it. “No. I want you to have it. Something from me and her, she always wanted you to have it. I always wanted that,” she hesitates for a second before adding, “I’m glad you’re still around, Helena. I didn’t _want_ to forget you, I just,” she doesn’t really know how to finish her thought.

“I know. It’s not as if any of it’s easy. And I’m glad you’re still around too,” Helena nods and laughs briefly, hiding her eyes for a moment. “I should leave you two. I’m sure you have some things to discuss,” she shakes her head and rises.

“You’re not going to disappear again, are you?”

“You have my number,” Helena winks and suddenly she’s that mischievous confident vigilante again, “I’ll see where the wind takes me,” she starts to joke, but Lena grabs her into a smothering hug before she could finish it. Helena hugs her back after a chilly moment of hesitation. “I’m always here for you, okay?” Lena whispers and land a brief kiss in her hair. She can feel Helena smiling as she steps back and nods.

“I won’t be disappearing, promise. Not on you. Bye,” she turns again and slips out of the door before Lena could answer.

 

“I thought she’d never leave. Gotta admit, that hug did not have to be that looong,” Kara sighs right next her, “she’ll be okay,” her tone gets serious and she swings her arm around Lena’s shoulder, holding her close, “she seemed calm.”

“You jealous?” Lena quirks her brow and looks to her left to drown in Kara’s eyes.

“Not a bit. Well, I mean, just maybe, I don’t know! Told you I’ve never done this before,” she starts to stammer, her confidence shaken in an instant.

“There’s no need to be, I assure you. We’ve let each other go and Kara,” she waits until she has other’s complete attention, “you’re kind of a miracle. You’re the one I fell in love with. And I wasn’t expecting to.”

“Oh,” Kara lets her head down, peeking under her eyelashes, probably trying to fight off the blush. It’s not working and she bites her lip.

“So…Supergirl, huh?” Lena asks when it’s apparent that Kara’s lost for words.

“Aah, shit! So that’s what that remark was about, I knew it! Oh, shit, I mean, I meant to tell you, did I? Oh, oh, oh! I told you in my sleep didn’t I? I, umm, yeah?” she gets more nervous with every uttered word, finishing with a hopeful question mark. “That, that alright?”

“Kara, of course it is. Do I wish you’d told me sooner? Perhaps, but I understand why you didn’t. I just want you to know I’d never ask you to hide a huge part of your life. It’s insane, but that’s kind of our story, isn’t it?”

Kara relaxes visibly. “Just as I’d never ask you to forget about her, any version. You can always talk to me about all of it, if you want. Only if you want.”

Before today Lena hadn’t even realized she’d been slightly worried about proving Kara she was ready to move on. “Thank you. Also, I think Helena knows as well, about Supergirl I mean.”

“Huh? What? How?”

“Just something she said while staying at my place. Don’t know for sure, but… she has experiences with concealing identity after all.”

“Does everyone know? Did you know before I,” she swallows in defeat.

“No, I didn’t even think about it. There is a reason you’re hiding and I can respect that.”

Suddenly, Kara surges forward and kisses her, sucking Lena’s lips between her own and licking them. “You say all the right words,” she leans back, eyes shining and fingers contouring Lena’s face, sliding on her neck.

“I do?”  Lena licks her lips.

“Uh-huh,” Kara kisses her again and this time Lena returns it with a slow and deep passion, her eyes closing and hands travelling on Kara’s skin, sneaking under her blouse, trying to count her ribs, but failing and lurking upwards on her back.

“You taste like fire,” she mouths against Kara’s ear, out of breath and needing more.

“I thought that was you,” Kara giggles in response and the silvery tone makes Lena’s stomach swirl.

“Sshh, we should try better. The taste. Find out,” she’s too gone to form correct sentences.

“Uh-uh, I, yeah,” Kara lets out a yelp when Lena brushes a vein on her neck with her tongue. “Mmm, marshmallows on fire,” She mumbles in her skin.

“Lena, Lena, we should, uhh,” Lena pecks a corner of her mouth and another beautiful giggle fills the room. The room. They’re at L-Corp still. A sudden thought makes Lena calm for a moment. “We should move this somewhere else,” she scratches out, not sure she recognizes her own voice.

“That’s what I was gonna say,” Kara sounds wrecked. “You wanna, uh, you wanna fly with me?”

“Yes!” she almost squeels out, making Kara laugh in earnest. “I mean, yes, your place or mine?” she conceals her excitement.

“Yours, definitely yours,” Kara slides out, grabbing her hand and suddenly she’s in her arms, the wind around them and they’re on the balcony before she could even look around.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter will be more of an epilogue!   
> love you all! :)


	21. Top of the City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kate Bush - Top of the City

“Okay, guys! Would you stop making knowing eye contact already? Lena knows,” Kara can’t stand it anymore and practically yells out, looking down right away, “that I’m, you know, Supergirl,” she finishes with a whisper as she glances at Alex. They’re at her place for a nice night. She had just brought Lena along without any real explanation, it was Alex who’d suggested it after all.

“Woah, what did I miss? Seems awfully quiet,” Maggie steps back into the room, hands full of drinks.

“Just Kara failing to say that Lena’s one of us now,” Alex looks up at her.

“What? Like batting for our team? I knew that already, Danvers, I’m a cop with eyes, you know,” Maggie sits on the arm of the couch and leans into Maggie.

“No! I meant she knows about Supergirl.”

“Oh. Aah, sorry,” Maggie smiles at Lena apologetically, “didn’t mean to, y’know,”

“No-no, it’s quite alright. It’s not as if I’m keeping a secret really,” Lena assures her and Maggie relaxes.

“Good.”

“Hey, it’s your decision, Kara, I just wish you’d told me before,” Alex doesn’t let the subject drop.

“I know, I know, it’s just,” Kara feels Lena’s hand covering hers for a second and calms a bit, “it happened and I don’t want to bother you with everything.”

“You could never bother me, Kara, is that really why?” Alex gets defensive.

“No, I, uh, it didn’t seem like a big deal, I guess. Sorry. I mean I know it is, but it just felt right, you know?” she looks at Alex, pleading her to understand.

Alex smiles a little and nods. “I can know what that feel like, just, don’t hide things from me forever. Won’t end well, I’m telling you!” she winks and yawns.

“You sleepy already? It’s only half past nine,” Maggie nudges her.

“Guess it was a long day.”

“I should leave you to it,” Lena gets up, “it was a pleasure.”

“Uh-huh, I’m sure. No, really, you should come to the game night sometime, the guys will be there too. And Kara loves those times.”

“She does? Good to know,” Lena looks at Kara and her smile makes Kara melt.

“I’ll go with you,” she jumps up and swamps Alex into a hug before turning to Lena.

“It was good to get to know you better,” Maggie waves at Lena as Kara guides her out of the door.

 

The moment they’re out of the building, Kara falls on Lena. “Sorry! I know I promised to tell her, but I just, maybe I should be alone with her for that,” she whispers to her girlfriend. Girlfriend! She has a girlfriend. A snort laugh blurts out of her.

“I’m quite sure she knows, but take your time. I’m not going anywhere,” Lena sounds so relaxed and her eyes are so pretty and green and “Do you think Maggie might’ve spiked my drink with some alien thing? I feel a bit drunk. And I don’t think it’s all from your eyes,” Kara wonders out loud.

Lena laughs. “I wouldn’t know, but I’m sure you’re not that drunk. They wouldn’t go that far.” Lena’s mouth frowns when she smiles. It’s gorgeous.

“Yeah, I know. It’s what humans call a buzz I think. Just a nice feeling.”

“See? Told you,” Lena kisses her and wraps her in her arms.

“Hey, you think I’m sober enough to fly?” she suddenly says, “don’t want make a crash, but we could go and see the view?”

Lena takes a step back and looks at her. “You’re standing still and straight and your eyes are clear. Sparkly, but clear,” she adds with a smile. “I think we’d be fine.”

“You would say that, I know you love it.”

“Not as much to have an accident,” Lena shrugs, “oh, there’s a good place to take off,” she gestures to the dark corner.

“Alright then,” Kara takes her hand and flies them off the ground before putting arms around Lena and flying towards L-Corp. It’s a nice beacon of light after all.

 

They land on the top of the city. It’s quiet. All the soundwaves carrying the potential to every sound, but she can switch them all off. It’s just the two of them alone, silent wind breezing and up here, there’s even a few stars to be seen. She stares up at the skies, hands tangled with Lena’s and heart full of hope.

“You love it,” Lena whispers after a while and Kara spots her staring at her instead of the sky.

“Love what?” she asks, caught almost breathless. Lena’s eyes are so gentle, as if caressing.

“Flying, the skies.”

“I guess.”

“Do you miss it? Home?”

“I,” she looks back up, “I used to get sad up here. The memories, they, I didn’t want to know them. But I didn’t want to be down here either. On Earth. I wished so many things hadn’t happened, I wished I was still there. Sometimes I still do.”

Lena embraces her and Kara can’t help the tightness in her throat.

“You’re allowed to miss your home, Kara, it doesn’t mean you don’t love where you are now,” she quietly says.

Kara leans into her, seeking the warmth: “I love you, Lena,” she hears herself say. It’s true, but she never planned to say it, never thought she would. It just slipped out. Lena squeezes her closer. “Thank you, I love you too,” she feels feather light kisses in her hair.

Kara wants to laugh it off, but something in the moment is so beautiful it creates a new favorite memory.

“I want to cry, but I don’t know if I can,” she whispers.

“Honey, you’re crying already,” she hears Lena’s whisper, hands rubbing her back.

Kara smiles when she notices the tears. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything,” she knows the answer before it comes.

“I think we’re good for each other.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this story is finished, it was a pleasure to write it.  
> let me know if you liked it! :)  
> (and come and say hi on tumblr if you want to, i'm deletingpoint there as well)


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